#11 - Lots of Rain, Moving Onward from An Old Community (Not Sapari, I love that place <3) - 30/05/2025
It's been quite rainly lately. For that, I'm really grateful, because the rain's just something different to see, something different to visually process. There's something to be said about how things become a little darker inside a building space when the sky turns grey and overcast - it's cosy. Unfortunately I can't enjoy it fully given my current, tiresome circumstances, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy hearing the rain pour down during the day or hearing it at night, the feeling of being snuggled up in bed with the slight bite of the cold on my feet and the heat of the room being a nice way to rest and transition into the next day. I want that feeling wherever I may end up, soon enough. But yeah, I'm enjoying the rain to the extent that I can, and it helps break up the cripplingly hot weather otherwise. I don't hate it, I think i've mentioned before that i'm looking forward to summer and this kind of weather - it's just that it can be a little too much to process if I throw myself into it too quickly, or i don't prepare for it with something like sunscreen. Rain or Sun, i'm looking forward to how it's all going to be from here.
The rain's been a bit of a fitting backdrop to the kind of mood i've had lately: a mix of hope, and then some small frustrations. I've been feeling hopeful for specific reasons, reasons I hope to discuss in time, especially thanks to the goodwill of so many people who I deeply cherish. But the other feeling than this, that's been on my mind, has been frustration. Recently, i've been preparing somewhat to leave an old community (not sapari lol, I love that place dearly) i've been a part of for nearly half a decade now. A few years ago, I would have found the concept insane and ridiculous, wondering why i'd be willing to give up something I care about so much. But that's the thing - as I grow older, my tolerance and patience and general optimism about things changes and differs over time. Over the course of the past two or so years, I feel that things have declined there for a variety of reasons: a lack of safeguarding with moderation and keeping the place healthy, being needlessly harassed over small things (including when I used to moderate the place mid-covid and how i'd get targetted personally just for doing a volunteering role), seeing friends I made get removed, banned, ostracized and treated like the worst people ever for slight disagreements with the person in charge, and then how I feel that my efforts and support I overall provided with the place just never really felt respected, not to mention my suggestions to improve things being ignored. I've had a lot of patience for a lot of these things, but with the increasing focus on preserving and looking after my mental health and wanting to actually treat myself with kindness, plus a lot of these individual factors anyway, i'm preparing to leave and be done with things.
I feel that since events in my life two/three or so months ago, I have woke up a bit in that I am prioritising my health now and I am genuinely trying to care about myself much more. I've always been extremely reckless, stemming from a lot of my life wherein I didn't know how to care about myself properly. Most of my teenage life, I was just trying to survive from week to week, dealing with the mad circumstances that made up my life and the kind of stuff I dealt with without any choice in the matter. But because I'm now an adult with autonomy, I get to choose what I deal with and what I do not, so i'm taking the initiative to know when to throw in the towel on places that no longer are healthy to me. It's sad, I feel sad that I have to make these kind of decisions where I leave places I have some emotional attachment to, but it's really time to move on and prioritise myself. Gotta crack some eggs to fold them eventually to make an omelette - i'm pretty sure that's a meme saying but, eh, I don't care lmao. It's accurate to my outlook on things. Life has hard decisions, it's just how it is. But i'm glad I have the choice in such decisions. So yeah, preparing to make my life just a little less unhealthy. Soon. It all takes time.
I don't have too much else to say to be honest, but i'm hoping to keep motivated, optimistic. Not to sound obnoxiously eager, but I have a lot to look forward to!
...Now, i'm considering getting some fried chicken tomorrow. I know who i am!