#19 - Working like Clockwork, Identity - 10/07/2025
Clockwork has been a recurring theme or verbal tick I've been saying since the end of last week, my first week of work but not my first FULL week, if that makes sense. It's a notion I tend to use to describe productivity - I view myself as a cog in the sea of gears that power the machine that is the job in which I work, and I feel comforted by that. To know I'm valued and going out every day means a lot to me, like I'm doing something good, because i AM doing something good. Work has been fun honestly: it's been a learning experience. I keep getting successes, near-successes, and a few other small good things like general respect and understanding. However, it's not to say I havent had my fair share of the other side: i've had plenty of people be rude to me, plenty of people be weirdly full of themselves about things. Hell, had one guy who thought it would be an amazing idea to try and knock my cap off, only to fail miserably and then give me dirty looks because the definition of emasculated includes his mugshot.
Anyway, point being, its been a mixed bag, but im happy with work and I'm happy to have this level of purpose to myself. To think that not long ago, I was just somewhere much worse in terms of my prospects; now, i'm genuinely building a future of my own, a world of my own in a sense. I'm seen, validated, and talked to like an actual human being and another fellow adult rather than being treated like dirt, and it's nice. It's funny, for being so online all the time and seeing all this weird stigma about jobs and the like, it proves to me that the online space has a certain level of disconnect from the real world. All my life for the most part, i've been all up in the business of wires and machines and computers and data, like Neo from the Matrix, but after growing older and realising how much time has passed, going out and doing something great makes me think that there's so much more to life than this miserable waiting game of expecting things to magically be okay while getting upset at every little thing. Sure, I still have problems, they havent gone away, but the purpose i'm given means I have opportunity to learn and grow in ways I was completely stunted on for almost five years. Covid fucked a lot of things up for me. One day ill talk about that, since tbh, I have gripes with specific things and specifically, places i was "educated" at, that lousily handled my time there and think they're brilliant for it. Brilliant and oh so good at what they do, when in reality they fucked up a generation of education by completely shitting the bed and deciding to do things the worst, most mind-numbing way possible.
Chucklefucks.
On that note, something i've mused on today while in work was the idea of identity. I was talking to a co-worker, great friend too, who mentioned in a positive way that I come across somewhat as autistic. I could tell it was positive, as she's a lovely person, and I generally asked her for her perspective. It's with that perspective that makes me think on who I am specifically. Am I autistic? I honestly don't know. I strongly suspect I am, actually, due to several different factors and a lot of my time online having proved what I can and cannot handle. It also explains just a lot about ME in general, including why I get so irked at things but why some things others cant handle is just fine with me. But the reason I think on this, is due to this concept of identity, I suppose. I ponder on it, time to time. Ive said in the past and, even now, I still somewhat feel like "PachiiMochii" is the true version of who I am in a lot of ways. It's the me that's usually just locked away within the confines of my heart, ready to paint the world in my own colours, the version of me that feels right. Hell, it feels nice as a name. I don't hate my real name, actually I enjoy it, but going from this space to the real space always is a bit of a strange transition, like putting watercolour paints into orange juice, watching the pigments dissolve into the cordial. Maybe this is just another autism sign, I dont know, but PachiiMochii feels quite right for me. I suppose it's a heads or tails situation - you cant have one without the other, but one day, i'd just like to maybe have both on the same side.
Perhaps. It's an idea innit?