#23 - Frustration - 30/07/2025
I debated on really writing about this here, to be honest. But as 24 hours have passed and while I still feel pretty upset about it, I feel like I can mention it to some capacity here. Stuff is anonymised for good reason, I have every right to speak on the bullshit I experienced. Suck an egg.
Yesterday, my position at the job I had was terminated.
Terminated, assignment ended with the org. And I lost my job, essentially. I had woken up at my usual time at 6am, got myself ready, had some breakfast, made the commute down to the nearby city, and I had what I assumed was my third overall review of performance. And I got told that my position, my job, was terminated due to not hitting targets. And so, I gave my issued equipment back, I signed out for the final time, and left for good. Should be getting my final pay around this friday, I hope, as I still need payment for last week's work. But while I was deeply upset yesterday, still am, I'm also particularly frustrated.
Because not only did a lot of hopes and dreams I had collapse in on themselves, but the circumstances surrounding why I was axed start to make little to no sense. I haven't really discussed the specifics of my now former job, for good reason as it's nobody's business but my own to tell if I wish, but the role consisted of me being out in the public, trying to convince members of the general public to sign-up for a good cause that would help others in need. As someone who always believed that people should help people, that kindness costs nothing (and I still believe as such), it was a perfect role. I started off really well all things considered: my first day, I'd been out in the baking hot sun, my arms and face and neck getting scorched and my nerves about approaching people really at play. But at the very end, I managed to snag a great moment for myself in which I had a huge donation coming through my way for the people I worked for, which immediately got me in fantastic graces. Over the next two to three weeks, it dipped and ebbed somewhat - i'd get great signups, id get nothing, so on and so forth. But my track record was genuinely excellent, and I felt happy about it. There had been really rough days, to be honest. For example, two weeks ago from this post, i'd been down in the middle of the country wherein the day was just massively frustrating. And then, combined with family bullshit plus how our train back to our city had been cancelled, I had a breakdown. A genuine breakdown, to which I am still somewhat embarassed about even though my colleagues, now my really close friends I made from that former job, didnt mind and were just wanting to help. I am extremely thankful for those two honestly, dont know how i'd have survived the rest of the day.
But then I got axed yesterday. And I learned that apparently, while on my shift on the Monday that passed from this week, there had been a "secret shopper", who'd been there to test me. They'd apparently be going past me with the intent of ME knowing to stop them and then just...do my work? Except no, this doesnt make sense, because im dealing with thousands of people a day, I cant possibly find a needle I dont even know of in a haystack that's been told to have no needles. Im working a job, not playing fucking Mystery Diners. That show is utter slop, but entertaining slop nonetheless. What I went through here was infuriating.
So that seemed like the death knell for me. Even though i'd been told I was doing fine, even though I still had over a week's time to catch up in places, even though I was encouraged so much and seen as so valuable, I was tossed away like trash in the end assumedly due to this secret shopper bullshit. Do I trust the colleagues, friends basically, who told me this info? Yes, I do, because I can sense when someone is lying to me and it also aligns with some of the other underhanded tactics that got pulled on me during my initial days of learning how the whole thing worked, before I was out in the field. Won't say too much, other than how shady those tactics were.
Beyond being sad that basically my hopes of getting out to a place of my own, affording a place to live, really beginning a proper life, being unemployed once again, and the like, i'm also really infuriated. Because not only did I get such a bullshit reason for being yanked from employment, but the bullshit I went through was never worth it in the end.
So allow me to elaborate.
On my first day, I had an old guy raise his fist as I tried to interact with him, implicitly threatening violence against me.
On several occasions, I had to ASK for rain protection equipment and basic things for the equipment I got issued. Otherwise, i'd be stuck in freezing cold or boiling warm conditions where I got fatigued either way. It's genuinely suprising I havent caught a really bad cold from having to stand out in the rain, with a very weak umbrella, for seven fucking hours straight. On the other hand, I got so sunburnt from my first week that the sunburn hasnt gone away and it's been four weeks, my skin prickles, I look like an undercooked piece of chicken, so on. Even as I type this, I am in residual pain from the former job I had. Lovely.
My feet have been perpetually aching since I started this whole thing and I wonder if ive caused some kind of bad, permanent damage to them from how it hurts to walk sometimes.
Several times out in the field, I have had to deal with the wrath of the public: the most common of this is being given stink eyes by people, laughed at when I try to ask for two minutes of a person's time, told "me no speak english" from asian folks I try to ask only for them to break out into northern english with crisp clarity to the words right after they go past me. Then there's the smug old people, sorry, elderly (old implies they're wise, they're not, they're a step away from a nursing home) people, who chuckle and go "no dear" or put their hands on my shoulder for no reason and then tell me their answer. Then there's the sect of people who are familiar with the people I worked for, who take their wrath out on me as if I'm suddenly the one who can fix the entire crisis with this country's problems; the best one of this is the actual people in need who always camp around where me and the other workers would be, loudly exclaiming how much they hate us and getting all near-violent and rowdy, as if WE are the ones who got them into the shitpit theyre currently in, so much so that my manager had to quell them one-time on site. Then there's the really ignorant people, who see i've clearly got a working space, yet still walk into me as if they think ill swerve around them when you can clearly fucking see im working and that THIS IS MY WORKING SPOT DUMBASS. How about a really typical one? Lets go with the highly conservative couple I dealt with on this monday that passed: asked them for two minutes of their time, attempted to get them onboard, then they started going on unrelatedly about how the israel-palestine conflict somehow has something to do with "the immigrants coming over" and asking me repeatedly "who do we blame?" - so then when I suggest that the issue i'm here to tackle as someone who's on the street trying to do a bit of good is partially due to government, I get a lot of very underlyingly racist-toned questions about "where im from", because I happen to be a chalky white guy with a south-asian lineage behind him. Then there's the early 20s dropouts, who just smugly grin at me and look at me as if my job is filth when in reality i'm doing a whole lot more to make the world a better fucking place than YOU would ever try for. And then we have the local circus act, the guys who walk around practically seeping in "manliness" (thinking they're tough and hard yet they dress like a baked bean), not moving out of the way when im clearly walking in my DESIGNATED space, being obnoxious and rude, doing their "tuts" at me as if it makes them all big and strong, trying to knock my cap off of my head but failing so I get snake eyes back instead.
I dealt with nearly every kind of disgusting asshole I did, in this job. See, before I was employed, I was aware that i'd get these sorts of things. But nothing really prepared me for the fact that the general public is comprised of selfish creatures who think they're entitled to the world bowing down to them because "they work harder than everyone" else, when the truth is is that we are all slaves to the way capitalism works and maybe it would be better to UNIFY than be against one another. But there's inherently selfish people out there anyway, who dont care for others unless it affects their bottom-line.
But yknow what upsets me, more than any of this?
I felt like an adult, doing this job.
I felt like I was finally equal to others I knew, that the work I did demanded respect from others, that people could look at me and be impressed. That I could spend three days out of my week resting, feeling like the pain and the bullshit and the hard targets had been worth the struggle, that the pay made up for the pain. And in the end, I was robbed of that. I don't know what it is with me exactly, that makes me feel like such an impostor within my own skin, that I can't even feel equal to other adults around me. I feel like im playing the role of one rather than actually being one and it hurts, and I don't know how to get over that, I really dont. Havent felt like an adult, even as I passed into my 20s, and i'm approaching the midpoint in December. I know I have a lot to be proud of, but I wish I knew what it felt like to be truly satisfied, that there are no empty clauses, gaps in the fabric of what I want. I am loved, I am cared for, i'll always deeply be thankful for that. I matter to people. I just wish I could matter to myself. Because when you see yourself as only valid when you feel like the rest of the big adult world, it's hard to have any self-worth.
As for what I'm going to do from here, not sure. Still expecting my last bit of pay. Cant wait for that, and then I can move on hopefully.
Gonna blast some music, listen to some videos. Draw, probably. Put out Philanthropy Volume 1 finally, lately, so, hope I get some feedback there too.
Tired.