Furikake Corner

#27 - My Dreams and Aims for the life I want to live - 02/09/2025

The past week, week and a half, has been hellish. Genuinely hellish. I don't know where to begin really, I'm just sort of in the mindset of wondering why and what the fuck I actually am dealing with when it comes to living in the living situation I do currently. I suppose in this blogpost, I just want to talk about what's been happening and what I'm doing from there.

The past week and a half has been tiresome: constant arguments between the people who I unfortunately live with, neverending conflicts, never ending arguments. Now, I understand that arguments are normal in life, I agree with that, you need pushback now and then to be shaped in your opinions and your mindsets. But unlike that typicality, I've been troubled most of my life by having to sit through argument after argument from people who are supposed to be my peers, who should be able to resolve things normally. I grew up in a constantly screaming household, seeing my folks just scream at each other, told to hide away and crank up the volume of my game or movie to drown it out. It's deeply unsettling to me, so it shaped who I am in that I prefer to resolve arguments I myself have with a modicum of tact and actual reasoning. So imagine what it feels like, constantly job-searching, to sit through days upon days upon days of the same maddening arguments between two people who should honest to god know better. It's wasted energy, but deeply triggering for me honestly. So i've felt unsettled for the past week and a half. And things just kept escalating and escalating until I couldnt stand to be in this rotten place any longer, booking out a hotel for about two days. And even then, I got verbal abuse just for that too, but I needed to do it.

It's amazing what a change of environment does for me: quiet, small, quaint, sitting back and watching movies, working on commissions (which I recently reopened due to needing a bit of income in the lull between months), watching tv on the adorably shitty but memorable tiny tv the hotel room came with, getting settled back under covers and just relaxing. It helps honestly; I genuinely enjoyed my time there, genuinely enjoyed booking out a hotel for myself and saving myself the trouble of having to cope with another two days in a row of the same idiots screaming at each other. Its funny, to get screamed at by the very people who stress me out that im apparently "wasting money", being a "prick", a "nob", all their fun little expletives they love to use to put me down whenever they reasonably can in their eyes, and yet...I had some temporary peace. Booking the thing out was honestly kind of scary - I'd never done such a thing before, booked out a hotel on my own, stayed in a hotel of my own. Im not scared of holding my own alone in places, actually, I bask in my independence and the feeling is wonderfully addictive and fun, but there's certain places like hotels ive just never really booked out just because of how...I dunno, off-kilter they can be. I mean, are the people inside going to be nice? Will it have utilities? Decent bed? Privacy? etcetera, etc, but you get why i'd be a little hesitant to go to such places. And yet, I honestly had fun, I honestly had headspace. Watching reruns of Come Dine With Me and Judge Judy was nice. Hell, watching Cool World for the first time was also really fun; that movie is FUCKING NUTS btw, holy shit it's maddeningly impressive.

Other than my stay at the hotel, I visited my sisters's place briefly to see them and my big sister's boyfriend play the snake eater remake that came out lately. Me and my sisters collectively pitched in to get that remake, and I gotta say? Holy shit, it's just gorgeous. Like, I love the original game as I grew up with it (ill talk about that another time tbh, since it's a story in of itself actually and i'd like to record the memory down here too), but the remake is a stunning yet charming thing and I like it a lot so far. I hope to glimpse more of it soon and maybe even get a chance to play the thing myself, since I am a big enjoyer of the original game tbh.

Today, I have some good news: I have a potential set of interviews lined up soon, one on friday confirmed, which Im really hoping goes well. It's with this that I transition into the topic of dreamd and what I desire to do. I feel motivated to note down what I want and what im aiming for, and I believe I can get these:

Despite what i've been going through, I feel motivated, motivated to get out of here and accomplish these dreams. Because for what ive been through for most of my life and especially lately, I want to just live my own life and get outta here when I can. Life is so much more than living through the kind of madness I have, but, ive come to appreciate life and the good things.

I do love life, despite the chaos I deal with. So I absolutely am determined to accomplish these dreams. I know I can, and ill continue to try. See, despite the shit I go through, I love life. I love my partners, I love my family and friends, I love the little things like the way the sky darkens and the way that the wind is calming yet cool. I love little things about life and a lot of big things about life, and I want to experience these things with absolute freedom and nothing holding me back any further. I believe i can do it!

So im going to keep going for my dreams~