#30 - Some Hopes, Cold Temperatures, Simple Food, My Yearly Ritual - 30/09/2025
Been a bit since I wrote in here, to be honest. Mainly, it's been due to how generally busy i've been, with trying to find work, working on commissions for folks, and actually getting back to video content. Yep, after three or so months, even more than that for the last CRT Dreams, I'm back on my game with making a new video. It's not the LSD Dream Emulator project, actually, that's coming after this current one, but I just generally need something to come back to after the chaos that was losing my job over, quite frankly, bullshit involving apparently not meeting targets. Interesting how I found out that my friends in that job got axed for the same reason a week or so later, despite the fact that they were even safer than I was logistically. Isn't it interesting how corporate it all is :)))
Passive aggressive rhetoric aside, i'm just doing what I can to survive. Things with my living situation have not really gotten that much better, so I'm putting my all into finding work and I have a great opportunity in the form of an interview coming up within the next few days. Im really hoping I snag this, as while it pays less than what I was doing previously, the price is still insanely good given the part-time nature of it. Plus, the schedule's a lot more relaxed compared to what I was dealing with currently. I really hope that I get this, because having income could do me some good. If I have income, then I have the means to find a cheap-ass flat and get the fuck out. I dream of that opportunity. But yeah, that's my major hope. Other than that, Im hoping to stay at my relatives's soon around the 2nd of October, which...to be honest, I am looking forward to as it means I get company and it means that I just get some headspace from the headcases I live with. It's insane how grown-ass adults decades older than me act like petulant children. Other than these two, I'm hoping to sort out things with the youtube to get the ball rolling on it, especially given the christmas season ahead. Combined with commissions, combined with the other potential outlets, it means I've got some good hopes for the future. Honestly, I am fatigued by the people i'm living with, it's all too much. Always has been, will be. Night-time has become a comfortable safe zone for me to relax as the darkness of the night means that I'm just a few steps away from sleeping.
Speaking of the night, it's gotten colder lately. In a surprising twist, it's actually plummeted towards the 5 degree mark, which is surprising for September given that you usually expect these sorts of temperatures here around mid-october at best. Honestly, at this point, i'm half expecting it to snow in late october as while it snowed in November last year, it's already so cold here at night that the toasty warmth is soothing. The best feeling at night is when it's so cold enough at night with the outside air, and it's just right enough in terms of hot temperature in my room, that the two mesh well together and it creates this comfortable balance that feels literally just right for me. It's deeply soothing, I like it. Honestly, its been nice just walking around at night to the local supermarket when it's near pitch black, the leaves are turning that crisp yellow-orange, and there's the scent of petrichor in the air, all the while my goal is...well, to literally go get some doritos and cola. It feels nice, its nostalgic, I like it a lot. Autumn is comfortable as a season for me, it fits me, but despite the bullshit going on at "home", it honestly feels nice. It's like the season itself has been trying to comfort me alongside my beautiful partners (love you guys <3) and the friends and family rooting for me. And for that, and the latters, im deeply grateful. I kind of forget that people genuinely care about me sometimes, I get in my own head about my problems and I tend to get a bit stubborn about it all. Do I go full doomer? Not exactly, but I do get pissed off with myself and my circumstances and I do give up too much. I'm going to keep trying and keep living, as I absolutely want to keep doing so and I believe in the idea of getting my own place soon enough. My siblings managed it, why can't I?
This season gets me in the mood for the simpler food yknow. Like, I know that it gets a lot of mockery from others across the internet but beans on toast for example, god, it's a livesaver for people like me in these sorts of seasons: full of the right amount of carbs, its warm and soothing, it's the kind of thing I very much enjoy scarfing down on freezing days. Instant noodles too, instant anything. But this is also a good excuse for me to whip out the stews and the curries honestly. Hell, I even want to try my hand at a shepherd's pie soon, because Im legitimately interested in trying my hand at something like that. I've said it before on my blog, but, food is legitimately a dopamine rush for me, a happy chemical-enabling action. I legitimately enjoy cooking. I have all the time to really try and make something soothing nowadays. While I appreciate my dad getting me more into it when I was a kid, he was also quite haphazard and too stern in his approach, often leaving me denied of the kind of questions I'd love to ask about how to make this or that. I have the freedom to create anything I really want now, and that makes me happy. It's just a matter of money, which, yknow, usual bullshit nowadays, especially with the cost of living crisis. If it wasnt so late within the afternoon as I was writing this, i'd probably hunt down the ingredients for a katsu curry of some kind, but, it is what it is and it's something to try and do when I have the time for it. But I really do love colder seasons for the sake of making food. Even as a kid, I associated autumn and winter with food; halloween is one thing, the halloween sweets and the cakes and literally everything to do with the season was satisfying as hell. But then there's bonfire night; jacket potatoes, baked beans, sausages, candy apples, etc. Mind, I dont like two of these, the jacket potatoes and the candy apples, but they're iconic. Slight sidenote but god, how i've always wanted to cook sausages over an actual lit fire, and by cook, I MEAN COOK, not fucking putting slabs of pork on a stick that are already pre-cooked. I mean REAAAAALLLY cooking that shit! But yeah, other than that, there's my birthday and christmas, then new years eve and day, wherein the food goes all out. I love these parts of the seasons for the food in that way, though, I hope I can enjoy them for the same reason as I could as a kid THIS year. Last year was horrible. Genuinely horrible. I never want to be out on christmas eve, in the pissing rain, getting a christmas shop in with literally no money in my bank, because the prats I live with were more obsessed with their stupid little conflict than actually trying to make a good christmas. I legitimately never want to go through that, or the end days of the chrismtas season "at home" ever again. Absolutely dont want to deal with it. Something i've expressed before I think is how I like to meticulously prepare and go over a schedule for getting things in - I prefer to plan things out like that of a chessmaker, always in advance, always prepared for any possible kind of fuckup that may occur. I hate being blindsighted, so for stuff like christmas, personally i'd have at least two months of good food in just for mid-december to early february, because that's called planning, not leaving everything to goddamn last second. Can you tell that i prefer having structure? Well, I certainly hope you can, given that you're reading this right now and I've typed this out. TLDR: I like to plan things out, I like to actually be prepared for things. Does it mean I am always prepared for any contingency? No, but, i'd be more prepared than most. Why? Because that's how I function NORMALLY, that's how things SHOULD work for me. God, I could keep reiterating this. I sound fairly neurotic I think, which, sorry, but I've had too many christmasses overall in my lifetime where things go tits up because people did not plan at all. I've had christmasses where I've been rushed out into the cold to sit at a mcdonalds and mope, I've had christmasses where I've been rushed out to do choir shit even though I literally didnt want to (I love choir stuff, but I dont like being forced to do it), I've had christmasses such as last year, so on, so forth. Planning is king.
That mentality also applies to my yearly ritual. I know that sounds ominous as hell, but, hear me out: I'm referring to my yearly deltarune ritual, playing the game every October 31st at night with a plethora of snacks, replaying that beloved lil game! It's been seven years since survey program came out as of October 31st upcoming, so I'll be celebrating with the usual shtick involving my ritual and also creating an anniversary piece. I went over my ritual somewhat in Deltarune and the Beauty of Imagination, so you're probably aware of it. TLDR though: I go out to my old neighbourhood where I first experienced the game and get snacks to eat from it's local shop, snacks i'll feast upon while I replay the game late into the October 31st Night. It's been my ritual since 2019, for reasons I've explained within the video above, and to be honest it means a lot to me. Im paying my respects to the game, who I was in the past, the relationships and friendships I created out of the game and what all of this means to me and how happy I am to still be here. I'm paying my respects, really. And ever since 2019, the ritual itself although I first played the game in 2018 on the day it came out, it's been my replacement for halloween. I don't really vibe with the idea of being out on halloween anyway, feels wrong. Not because im not a kid and I cant like, go to people's houses just to get sweets, but because people can be weirdly mischevious around the day. Reminds me of those weird killer clowns back in 2016, but, I digress. Anyway, if the season's intent is to be dark and spooky, then I will enjoy the darkness of the night upon me. I'm a bit nocturnal that way. But I look forward to that ritual once more. I'll most likely be making my piece about chapter's 3 and 4, like I did for chapter 2 when that came out four years ago. Man. How that makes me feel old. I dont know if Ill be booking out a hotel for halloween or staying elsewhere, but, Im absolutely not letting the clowns I live around interrupt that ritual. It's important to me.
Some things are too important for me to be interrupted by. Maybe its silly of me to be so affixed to that mentality and this event, ritual, but, I care. and I care about it. So I look forward to it.