#32 - Good Day Yet Tiresome Home, Wearing the Social Mask - 24/10/2025
What a day. Seriously, what a bloody day. It hasn't been a bad one, actually. Since this Monday, i've been employed once more and I'm doing some pretty fun work; I won't say what im employed for, but it's similar to my last job yet actually decently engaging and fun. I've been quite tired as such, but it's honestly worth it, and i'm happy i've got something going for me. I was panicking lately, thinking i'd be repeating history due to the fact that I didnt obtain results on my first day (even though I was told I wasn't expected to get ANY results on day one due to it being, well, day one. Which is honestly a super fair outlook to things). But, I worried too much, and I began to find my groove with the actual job to the point where it didn't get to me if I had to handle rejection and it felt calming to me. See, that's the thing, I honestly enjoy this job, I sincerely do: it's calm, it's quiet, I get to just knock on doors and talk to people, and it's stimulating because I get to have some genuinely fun and nice conversations with people. Being able to see people's faces change as they realise they're able to support something genuinely wonderful and helpful to the world is a kind of euphoria that I can't pinpoint but I can tell when I see it, and it makes my job so worth it. Even better is that today, I actually ran into my big sis and her partner by complete happenstance when I was in a Waterstones, trying to burn the time. I'd been trying to look for a copy of Darkly Dreaming Dexter, but ironically the place was the only one in the region that didnt have a copy of the book (although apparently someone else a week prior had asked the same exact question, which...is curious. By the way, I will be talking about Dexter at somepoint, just when I get a moment to myself as I've obviously been swamped with full-time work lately). So I tagged along with the pair of them, caught up with how the pair of them had been doing, and had a chai latte with them just half an hour before work began. Honestly, the chai really helped me get energised for the morning, so I'm pretty happy with that. But yeah, overall, between the fact that I had a nice time getting to the location, running into my sis and her partner and spending some of my morning daylight hours with them, and work being honestly just swell, I had a good work day.
Wish I could honestly say the same about "home. Jesus fuck like a tree on fire, where do I begin?
So I get "home", and things seem fine. Text messages convey that to me, so forgive me for the FAIR goddamn assumption that things are fine at the 14th layer of hell's bells I call my "home" that I come back to. Anyway, I get back, but immediately as soon as I get in, one of the people I live with (a "peer, parent, whatever") goes absolutely ballistic at me for how "tired they are from cleaning up my room", even though I didn't fucking request them to do that, even though it's MY ROOM SO I CAN DO THAT MYSELF, and I try and say this but I get shot down with "you wouldnt fucking do it properly anyway. Okay, so why the fuck are you guilt tripping me for this? What do you want me to fucking do? But anyway, I get about 40 minutes of beratement, harassment, screaming and general bitching. So, thinking that I can make up for the supposed error i've done, I go to do the dishes, but then I get even more of the screaming lobbed at me because im "not doing it properly", even though I fucking am. It's funny, im apparently not doing it properly yet this person doesnt ever fucking clean up after themselves, talking about pains and whatnot when it's not fucking hard to clean a plate with a sponge and washing up liquid. So at this point, I lose my patience since I've just endured an incredible level of bullshit - keep in mind that my body is screaming in pain from aching feet, aching shoulders, joints, shoulderblades, etc, because I've been outside for more than seven hours and i'm freezing from the near zero degrees. So I raise my voice because visualise it here, someone is in my face, screaming at me, breath smogging against my face, threatening to thwack me, which they do anyway. They then attempt to slam the door of the kitchen on me, and that's when I snap back and push them gently away from me. It takes the other person in the "home" to physically drag me away from what would have become an actual fistfight. And I feel fucking stupid for all of this, because instead of it becoming this big fucking hullabaloo where someone shouts at me to justify how shit and rotten they are on their hollow dead insides (implying anything good existed there at all, which is funny), all it could have been was...a simple one sentence convo. When I make mistakes, I prefer to be talked to like im a human being, not an animal, not a piece of shit, and if I make mistakes, I legitimately own up to them. So I eat my "tea" in miserable silence and I honestly feel really sour about being "home". Makes me glad that I've got a mandatory saturday tomorrow that I can earn even more cash from, honestly. Who knew that work would be fucking calmer than being at the "home" I "live" in. Wowzers. Isn't that fucking wizard?
...Man.
With that off of my chest, something I did want to actually discuss is the fact that I "mask" well. What do I mean by this? By this, I mean that when i'm in work, I become a fairly chatty, outgoing, confident person and with the requirements of my work anyway to begin with, being able to talk to people is honestly key for it. But it's funny, I wear a certain persona and I end up becoming a person who is alien from the guy who's typing this out and letting YOU the reader READ this. I just find it interesting, since...I like this, yknow? I like being able to hide who I truly am, the introvert who doesnt like really going out much to big crazy places - it especially goes for my private life and my hobbies. It's not that I fear how people react to my private life, I mean, hell, one of my friends from work who I can say is a genuinely cool guy that has charisma for the job knows about my polyamorous relationship with my two boyfriends, who I love dearly~ But I just like hiding parts of myself from the outside world. I dont fear the world beyond my point of view, I just don't think people need to know about me other than when I'm doing my work. Privacy is key. It's like how questionnaires ask about my sexuality, its like, "fuck off nobhead, I aint telling you shit. What, so you're gonna categorise me and box me off until I no longer become useful to you? Fuck you and fuck outta here". Anyway, privacy for the win, lets fuckin go. But yeah, there's aspects and a certain level of thrill I get from the job's requirement for talking so much, that I really like and I wouldn't mind putting them into my private life as well. But honestly, "PachiiMochii" is a comfortable introversion of my life to the extroversion that I am when I'm at work. I just like being me. Funny how I realised that from Dexter of all things - the guy's a forensic analyst for blood spatter for Miami Metro, yet on the side he's a serial killer who kills criminals who the police fail to get in the slammer, in the show. Yet, I realised from Dexter and the character himself that my anonymity to the world is just nice. It's a feeling of being alive.
Well, gonna sign off - got my last work shift tomorrow on saturday so I look forward to it. And being away from the banshee magnet that is my "home". Yknow, with the wages I get, I can't wait to stock up on funds and eventually fuck off outta this hellhole.
Here's to my freedom in the future!