#33 - Leaving A Tiresome Workplace, Halloween Didn't Go to Plan, What I'm Going to do from here - 02/11/2025
This isn't the first time i've written this blogpost. Actually, I had something written up partially on Halloween, when things went down, but I was not only incredibly exhausted with the entire day to the point where I didn't even do my usual traditions, but I just didnt feel like posting it. So now, I want to discuss it, because I'm awake enough and I'm also just generally in the mood to do so.
So...what happened with the workplace? I mean, from an outside perspective, you see a blogpost on my blog declaring that I've found work and that Im enjoying myself and this and that and yknow, stuff. But the thing is, i'm a bit of a hopeful dreamer; by this, I mean that when there's problems that stare me down in the face, I just tend to cancel their noise out and focus on the positives of what can be brought to me, because I'm just a bit eager for some positive change yknow? I mean, I've been living with two clowns that actively make the living environment hell by arguing over the same semantic bullshit and accusing each other of cheating when, no offence, one can barely move and the other has virtually no interesting qualities whatsoever - call me mean for that, I don't care, it's what happens when you get sick of people acting like actual NPCs to the point where you have an instinct for when shit is about to begin hitting the fan. But anyway, I ignored very visible issues that others had left in reviews of the workplace I worked at, so I could pursue the idea of getting money into the bank that would fund my way out of this hellpit I live in and the ghouls I surround myself with, like the first job I had back over the summer. But this would never come to pass, because the people I worked for have to be some of the most incompetent chucklefucks I've ever had the displeasure of working with. Lets start at the beginning: so I won't say what the job is, but it's similar to my first place - I accepted that it would be tough, and I handled it fairly well at first, because despite how outwardly emotional I am, I am good at masking the anxiety that comes with new things by turning it into energy for me to actually just use when it comes to the thing I have to do. I'm not sure who taught me that, but it became an adaptive trait when I had to do presentations in university; you either stand on the stage like a bumbling twat, or you channel the nerves into manic cartoon-ish energy that gets the audience chuckling alongside yourself and you win the hearts of those you're trying to convince for your creation. Become the jokester everybody wishes they could be and you feel high on the thrill, it's how I cope with my nerves, by being fake confident enough until it inverts back into itself and tangles itself into being real confidence, so a placebo for the soul. But I digress, I knew the issues that would be there, the faults. But the first issue I began to have didnt come from that at first, it came from management. Or rather, a complete lack of stable, consistent, logical management - good fucking gracious lord where to begin. Okay, lets start at the ticket system: so when I started working, I was told of two things, which respectively are that I could just pay for my own tickets and then give an expenses form back later with what I paid for on it, so the company could pay my shit, and then there was the option for me to let the manager buy the tickets. I chose the first one, because then, I knew I could buy my tickets early and make sure I had them on time for the actual train ride out - I like to be incredibly punctual and ontime with things. However, this is where the first issue arose: the manager got pissy at me over text when I kept buying my own tickets, condescendingly-toned, and said that I need to stop buying my own tickets because he could just use the corporate account for buying tickets and finance wouldnt be on his ass for it. I can understand the point, but jesus christ there's no need to be rude. So I relented, later sent back an expenses form of what I did pay for, and started doing it his method. Which is where problem two comes into play, which is how I was often left an anxious wreck and trying not to get stressed at how he'd never be up early in the morning to get my tickets on time, i'd end up getting the tickets EITHER WHILE I WAS ON THE TRAIN AND TRAIN TICKET CHECKERS WERE PROWLING AROUND, OR LITERALLY 15 MINUTES BEFORE MY TRAIN ARRIVES. And you wanna know what the price of not having a ticket is on a train here? public humiliation, fines, possibly kicked off the damn thing! So im worried here! There's an ice cold, deadening anxiety I get when I put my trust in someone who should be up early in the morning to actually buy the thing I fucking need for my travel, but I digress.
But that's not where it ends - let's go to the actual work now. So the initial first week isnt actually too bad. I know my pitch, I know what to say, I have a lot of empathy and understanding for people at their doors listening to me and there's some very strong and heartwrenching stories I hear while trying to get people to sign up for what im essentially trying to convince them to pay for per month. My results reflect that Im trying, that Im making real efforts here, that Im really clocking on, but it's taking a toll on my body. Here's how my day went, step by step: I wake up at 7:00am, 6:00am in the earliest days, and I eat, get dressed, check I have everything. Then I get a really specific bus to the train station, which lands me 20 minutes before the train arrives. Then I get on the train and I spend an hour on it, then usually either switch over to a new train or I stay on the current one. Then I get there too early, around 10:30am, so I have nothing to do and everyone else is being slow as shit to arrive, so I mooch around and burn some time for the fun of it, which admittedly made my days more than the work did but, alas. So then my team arrives, late btw even though they dont live fucking far away like I do but whatever, and we spend 3 hours in the workflow, then an hour break, then the last 3 hours, and then its a near 2 hour travel "home", which the added bullshit of the last available bus leaving by the time my train arrives back at the station I was at this morning, so I end up burning money on an uber to get me back, which I then get out of, go to the local shop to get food for tomorrow, then get back in "home" to eat, then shower, have barely 30 minutes to relax with my loved ones, then sleep, then repeat this process. What Im getting at is that this entire thing exhausted me; even as I type this now, I am physically exhausted, my feet have not recovered and some of my family have a history of leg and feet problems so this has me really fucking worried to begin with but here we fucking go I suppose. My shoulders ache and I feel sore, my face feels perpetually rugged since, and somehow i've got a cut or two on my fingers that doesnt help when I type and the slight sting of pain jolts my senses back awake. Im in pain. It sucks. So by the time I get to friday, which is the third day ive been officially in the actual job as monday and tuesday were equally exhausting training days, im exhausted. But then the next big flag comes up: a mandatory saturday, every third week of the month, and guess what? It fuckings sucks, because we're in an absolute shithole part of the UK where the people have a perpetual case of "hardman syndrome". Don't worry, I just made that up, everyone thinks they're fucking tough as shit over there...as they say with teeth that look like they've been chomping on a wire fence and eyes that are yanked open like they've took a dose of cannabis or heroin. Oh yeah, plenty of gardens with no gates, instead im using my fucking lack of energy on moving literal concrete slabs out of the way only to get rejection after rejection anyway - and then there's the random weirdo on a moped yelling at how me and my team are in the way...as we walk on the pavement, while he's driving on shitty peppered concrete. Basically, crackhead town, crackhead territory, and I dont like to judge like this but holy fuck, they call this place a city when it feels more like 28 days later, fucking zombies everywhere with a perpetual case of being a cunt. So saturday happens, its shit, and im a bit frustrated because I could be spending time with my beloved partners or my friends or even my siblings, but no, im out in this literal garbage city. So I come "home", and im exhausted. Sunday doesnt help with rest, as my pains im feeling have kicked in and im not able to heal from 4/5/6 days of tiredness in one day. Monday happens, and its fine...I suppose. But Tuesday, OH BOY WHERE DO WE BEGIN, WHERE DO WE FUCKING BEGIN AHAHA.
FUCK. THIS. DAY. So im out here, in this city we've already been in last week, which already annoys me but I swallow the feeling. Im working my ass off, im trying really hard, and huzzah, I think i'm getting somewhere with one person im speaking to! He's midway through the process of signing up, he's getting there, im tasting a GOOD DAY AHEA-
He bails on me and slams the door on me midway through because the text verification system fails me. Im left there, shellshocked, and this feeling begins to brew in my stomach. It's not bile, it's not even screaming rage at how unlucky I just got, it's ice cold anger boiling in the lining of my stomach that feels like it could melt me with it's touch and then evaporate what's left, and it spreads throughout me like a virus. I realise even then, that this has really embittered me, but I hold it together, though my team lead on site notices that it's got under my skin so I generally state that Im a bit frustrated. Still, thanks to his motivation and him being a genuinely good guy that I still keep in contact with, I get the day done and dusted and the ride "home" is humiliating and tiresome as I vent out my frustrations to my loved ones and they understand. And to be honest? None of the days after this get any better: I get close once or twice to signups, I have nice conversations, but I get nowhere with it. And then one of the other frustrating things about the job begins to crop up, which is the level of rudeness I get from the general public. Several times, I get people who either slam the door in my face, tell me to fuck myself, roll their eyes, or smugly smirk at me and close the door. I had one door I knocked on, and a lady came out, asking me what the hell was wrong with me, which is funny coming from someone who looks like they've been chomping at a sewer pipe but alas. On my second to last day, or last day, I had another person who didnt even bother to come to the door and then opened up her window, talking to me with increasing passive aggressive smugness, which I shot back with my own passive aggressiveness. Petty of me? Absolutely, but dont talk to me like shit, otherwise, I wont shoot back. Basic human respect costs nothing. But anyway, by the last two days, im just...drained.
And then comes the last two reasons, which lead to me wanting to and eventually quitting, which ill go through one by one. Reason one is the fact that we kept going to the same exact places, all the damn time, which became aggravating when it came to the fact that I kept going to these places to try and do my job and it never worked out. And then the second reason, which is why I quit on Halloween: most of the time, we literally didnt fucking know where we'd be, and there were never any consistent schedules or rotas, and even when we DID get a rota, for some godforsaken reason, we never stuck to it. So here I am on friday, asking where we're supposed to be, and I get radio silence, from my teammates, from the manager, FROM THE TEAM LEAD. So I've had enough, and I hand my notice in on that friday morning, wherein...I feel glad. I feel genuinely glad. There was a third reason as well, by the way, why I quit: I was literally only getting 20 to 30 quid more than my old job, which was part time, four dayus a week, and 6 hours a day. I was doing five days full time and 7 hours, how am I not getting paid more??????????????????????????????. So I gave my notice to the manager, met at a starbucks, and that was that. The sad part is is that the manager isnt a bad guy personally, but he's a horrendous goddamn manager. And my team leader, who's a genuinely great guy, was sad to see me go. But honestly, he was better for this job than me. So...im free. And it feels good.
This is also why Halloween didnt really go to plan. After meeting with my manager, I spent time in my old neighbourhood as a part of my yearly ritual for deltarune and the like, got snacks too. But...I was too tired to even play ch3 and ch4 like I had intended to, so I spent time with friends instead. I am gutted that I didnt do my usual shtick, hell, didnt even manage to make my piece yearly on time for the game. Im still working on it now, so, it will come out nicely~ But im glad I spent time with friends at least, because hey, they matter! I dont always need to follow my own self-imposed rules. So my replay of ch3 and ch4 will come later on in the year. Maybe I need something to help me through November anyway.
So...what's the plan from here?
My plan is to find part time work, probably 3 to 4 days, minimum wage or more of course. But Ill also be putting my efforts into growing my youtube channel and turning it into something that I can genuinely run as my own boss, because I want to use my real skills for things I love and hey, if I can earn from my genuine passions, why not?
Im gonna try and be kind to myself for the rest of the year. I think with this year, i've become a lot more...real. What do I mean? I mean how i've gained perspective, how things have happened that have shaped me to be a lot more sharp and a lot more focused. I genuinely have grown up, and im glad. I wish nearly being homeless didnt happen in March, but, im just glad I woke up.
Honestly, I need a drink. Smirnoff and Irn bru. Or Irn Bru and Vodka. Or just a starbucks, that's okay too.