#36 - Things Falling into Place, Birthday Anticipation - 04/12/2025
Recent days have been filled with this weird sense of infinity. This feels like a very weird thing to start off a blog post with, I am sure that it sounds like madness without context, but, every day since the end of November has just sort of...happened, with the time stretching out into what feels like infinity to be honest, like time is slowing to this elongated crawl. I've had some nice days honestly, a lot of days where I've spent time with the people I love and people I enjoy hanging around with, though, that weird sense of prolonged time has felt wrong to me. Perhaps it's for multiple reasons. Perhaps, its due to the fact that it's the final month of the year, perhaps its because everyone in the family has been all over the place, or broke, or busy with work, or something else. Hell, perhaps it's because of two extra reasons, actually three: being slightly broke, it being a year since I graduated from my university, and it being less than a week or so away from the fact that i'm going to be 25 on the 11th of december. A lot is going on, despite the fact that the time that is passing feels so infinitely slow. It doesn't help that the effects of seasonal depression are beginning to kick in, and I find myself struggling a bit honestly. Im sort of struggling to just keep myself motivated at times, due to the fact that it's pissing cold and the fact that I don't have the means to really fuel myself that well (eating) when everyone seems broke, including myself. Shit like this also makes me feel like everything I eat is the same, every day at every time. It's due to that and the dullness of even something like eating now, that I find it hard to stay motivated. Yet, despite the seasonal depression kicking in and what i've mentioned here, I feel like I'm surviving, I feel like im still motivated in this weird way. And with my partners, the good folks in my family, my close friends and the like, i'm just...motivated and determined to keep going.
I have to have that as well, when things seem to be...god, where do I begin? I will be frank, I don't really know what the plan is anymore when it comes to getting out of my current circumstances, as unfortunately, others have seemingly become complacent. I dont really know, and to be honest, I think im just going to wait out this month and see exactly what the angle of things is. But if it comes to it, i'm focusing on myself and getting out, as I am not wasting my time - I am very tired of waiting on others and people just playing with my patience, as I am be a very patient man, but I have limits that seem to constantly be crossed and tested. I hate waiting on things, I prefer to RESOLVE them as soon as humanly possible. But for now, I'm intending to just try and let myself relax at this time of year. Last December was godawful, horrendous, draining. I dont want a repeat of it. I want peace. So I will attain it. But it's with that, that with the complacency of certain others here, that...all of the problems that have come our way (or rather, their way since I keep my nose out of the proverbial hornet's nest and keep it clean) have just resolved themselves. I feel at ease because of that, I do admit, but also completely disconcerted to be frank with you. It feels wrong to have so many potential problems coming up, shit that could seriously affect the peace of the living situation, and it just resolves itself, as if the threats they presented were never valid to begin with. It's really stress inducing, actually, especially for someone who hates this lack of care when it actually comes to getting problems solved and sorted before they can seriously damage the living circumstances. Its stuff like this that makes me the obsessive type when it comes to managing the different parts of living, because I prefer control over it and being responsible for my own mistakes rather than being aggravated because of the inconsiderateness of others. Does that make sense? I certainly hope it does. But fortunately, frankly, I can hopefully rest easy for now on this kind of madness, as it's december, last month of the year. 2025 will come to a close soon.
But before that, my birthday.
Im going to be honest, I don't know how to feel about my birthday currently, at least as of this blog post. There are some instances in which I feel excited for it, in which my main plans are to just have a quiet, peaceful day where I eat like a fatass and I get drunk. Then there are some days where I have these in mind, but, I feel...I guess ambivalent towards it. Im going to be 25. I'm going to be midway through my 20s, somehow, already, when really it felt like these past five years flew by in the blink of an eye. And yet, this year has been my most eventful. Eventful in questionable ways, both good and bad. I feel a little...worried, about how much I've aged so quickly, how much that I have had to just panic and rush about these past five years and how much agency ive only started to accumulate for myself. Growing older is natural, but what i'd like to see from here is myself finding more ways to grow up and just find my own path in life. I need to. I tire of the lack of freedom i've got right now, how stunted and halted I feel by circumstances outside of my own control. But I just hope that my birthday is peaceful, more than anything else. Honestly, that and getting drunk sounds like a nice time to me - i'm a happy drunk, the edge in my brain is soothed when I drink and get drunk honestly, and the nerves in my body just fade for a while as I consume alcohol. I'm glad im a happy drunk and not an angry one. I think that ill ultimately be fine though, because for how down in the dumps that I can be sometimes, I am surrounded by genuinely lovely people - i've got two partners I adore so damn much, ive got close friends who genuinely care about my wellbeing, siblings and family that care. People care. So I think that I will be fine, because I have a comfy collective of people who want the best for me. It just means a lot, at the end of the day, and I know my birthday should be fine.
Perhaps, I worry too much.