#40 - A Retrospective on the Entirety of 2025 - 30/12/2025
December 30th 2025 - it's funny to think I've gotten to this point, that in all of what has happened this year, I've survived. I don't mean to sound dramatic by saying that, but instead, I am being fairly truthful. This year has been...a lot. And for anyone who's been reading these posts, you can understand that because you've been there to read the kind of insanity I live around haha. It's not that I didnt expect to still be here at this point, but, more or less it's acknowledgement that I have gotten through a very chaotic year and that I personally am impressed with myself for that. Maybe that's ego, maybe that's being smarmy and smug but hey, I should be nicer to myself and acknowledge my actual wins in life than fob them off. I'm writing this now as my aims with tomorrow are to have a quiet day and basically get drunk, eat a fat bowl of nachos alongside the drinking i'll do (this time in actual moderation instead of overdoing it like I did on christmas eve), and spend time with comfortable people who will be there as the clock strikes midnight. And hopefully i'll have that peace and quiet when I do these small things tomorrow. Hopefully. But I can hope on that hope, so I shall. I guess the intent of this blogpost is to sort of reflect on how the entire year has been for me, to muse on things now so that I can go into tomorrow with the ghosts of this year laid to rest, and for myself to just wash away the grit that comes with being changed by a very eventful year.
So...where the hell do I begin?
January served as the start of the year and to be honest, it hadn't been particularly great from the get-go. I came into this year, back from experiencing the end of 2024, from my relatives's place that I stayed at. I had stayed there, for the first time of many instances to come in THIS year, because things genuinely were unbearable here and given that December 2024 had already been horrendous as is, it was the cherry on top of the shit sundae that I was served. So metaphorically, I said no, had new year's eve/day over at relatives, then came back. Unfortunately, nothing much really changed at "home", so a lot of the early month was the same old bullshit that I've documented in little crumbs throughout this CURRENT year (2025). But I do recall that I was just keeping active as much as I can. Actually, I finally finished up the incredibly overdue Shadow 05 video that I wanted to release during the hype of Sonic 3's release in cinemas, but, shit happened. I guess to mull on that video: in retrospect, I'm still quite fond of it, but I wish that I'd been less stressed while making it. It holds up in terms of what I think about the game though. I think the biggest regret I have was not making it a two-parter, to be frank with you. It would have worked better. But nevertheless, it cemented this idea within the stuff that I now make that I basically want to talk about topics I really enjoy, and Shadow 05 is one of those topics. Funny to think that Im musing on that game now, knowing that so much got released over the 2025 christmas period relating to that game's prototypes - really fascinating stuff! But yeah, that was my first real action during this year, releasing the shadow vid. Still love it <3
Other than that though, I was just getting through life and I began to take interest within a show that would become my hyperfixation for the next...god, five months I think: House! House, also known as House M.D, is a medical mystery drama centered around Dr House and his diagnostic team, who tackle incredibly complex cases involving people who are hospitalised with often mysterious ailments. While that may seem bland on the surface from reading this, what makes the show so interesting are how it makes those mysteries tie into not only the ongoing character development of House and his diagnostic team, who all lead their own lives and all have rich stories to be told, but how the characters ultimately grow throughout the respective seasons. The show is essentially a mix of sherlock holmes and medical dramas from the past, but with a main character who is so complex that I couldnt even begin to properly expand the scope of what he is. I was introduced to House through tiktok memes, to be honest, but the memes dont sell you just how powerful the stories in this show can be and how House himself is such a misanthrope - he's a doctor who actively dislikes people, usually hates his patients, yet when he sees their aliments, he can't let it go and he ends up helping them while getting to know more about the patients themselves, seeing humanity through the eyes of the people he helps while he himself just...can't bring himself to be vulnerable in the same way. He's fascinating, and seeing all of these characters change throughout the entirety of the eight seasons of the show was just amazing to be, to be honest. I don't usually really like live action stuff but I really enjoyed House, and I still think about it now and then. It sort of set the stage for me this year to watch more stuff that's just out of my comfort zone and isnt usually what i'd consume. And Im glad it did, as I really loved House and I still do, to be frank. Every now and then actually on my tiktok, ill see that someone new to the House fandom has liked one of my old posts from way back when I was watching the show this year, and I can't help but smile, to be frank. Its funny, some of my old posts are becoming cornerstone thoughts for people. I recall that I THINK I finished watching season 8 of house around mid-february, but I can't be too sure. When I was feeling the effects of seasonal depression plus my living situation, it helped me have a rock to hold onto, lest all of what was going on sweep me up entirely.
And then March happened.
Truthfully, this is one month in particular that I am glad to leave behind within this year. Specifically the events of what happened. I wont say too much, but, things went completely mental at my living space and because of the actions of other people, I lived in a threatening environment where my eyes opened to a lot of things I was trying to delude myself on, for my own protection, and I saw that things were more complicated than they really were. I'd been clinging to this hope of trying to have a good, domestic life with the particulars I lived with and still live with now at the moment, but...apparently not, and I had two weeks to pack my shit up and get out for something I had no involvement in, all the while desperately trying to barter with others, who were going to be unhinged otherwise. So I panicked, I told people of my situation and I needed support and help as much as possible - did everything I could...and you can already predict the outcome: things reset, back to before any of this occured, as if none of it ever happened. As if none of it had ever occured. As if I was the crazy one, that i'd panicked this hard. And I couldnt stomach it. So I spent a week at my siblings's place, recovering from how honest to god traumatising the whole thing was, and I realised through the intervention of those siblings that I needed to take more of a stand for myself and try and support myself. So, I did, and I started working on trying to help myself - still am doing that, actually. My mentality about life had changed within all of what occured here, and im glad it has as I think more forwardly since. But it was nice to just...switch off, and spend time with my sisters in that regard, to be at theirs for a time, to implement things into my life that could help me. And those things afformentioned have honestly helped. Still are helping, actually. I won't lie, this is hard to write about because every now and then, I get lost in my thoughts and the feelings of that stressful period come back to haunt me a bit. Had a good few nightmares about the whole experience too, for the next six months after. But it occured, anyway, and "life continued on as normal". Somewhere around this time, I believe me and my big sister started rewatching Yugioh 5Ds - god, that anime is utterly fantastic, it's such an intriguing and genuinely cool anime in terms of the plot and the way it makes the duelling game so bloody addictive to watch. While me and my big sister already shared a close bond (I'd go as far as to say that she's the only person who is so identical to me in the family, she knows me so well like the back of her had and vice versa), it helped glue us together even more. Funny, to think us watching that together very much started from one of the worst moments of this year, yet the act of watching it together became so deeply comforting and nice as a memory. SERIOUSLY, YALL AINT SEEN ANYTHING YET - LIKE, CRASH TOWN. FUCKING CRASH TOWN. AS AN ARC. ACTUAL PEAK FICTION I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD. WE HAVE DUELLISTS WITH GUNS! LIKE, REVOLVER DUEL DISKS, THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME.
Man, I love 5Ds <3
Other than 5Ds and what i've said above, during the March stuff, a friend helped me out by providing me a potential contact for a living space - I was hesitant at the time, but I eventually decided to pursue it on the grounds of things being more chaotic. More on that in the may section.
Around April 2nd, Deltarune Chapter's 3 and 4 were finally revealed! And a countdown was put in place - I decided to capitalise on that, I decided to put my hat into the ring. I created "Deltarune Means Everything to Me", a small video essay about what it means to be a deltarune fan, knowing that the entire culture of the game online and it's fanbase would soon change. I still really love this video to be honest, and I am glad that I made it, because I wanted to document and archive that part of the fandom and those feelings of the fandom really well. Lemme be frank here for a second: I don't really trust historians to do that job for me in that regard, to document what WAS the deltarune fandom during that particular time, so i'd rather bloody do it myself. I had the insight, really. And that video, oh my god, gave me hope. You see, one of my dreams has always to be a youtuber, to be someone who could live off of my craft, and...it got me damn close to that! It reignited the flame of hope I had about that, and I was deeply grateful. But in addition to that, all the comments I got about how much the video resonated with them helped me form the basis for what I want to do from here, what I'd sparked in the shadow video: I want to do, and eventually live off of, video essays about things I love and topics that can touch on things that mean something to people. That is my modus operandi, in a sense. And I still believe it to be as such. But...man, about the deltarune reveal: what a freakin' event, like, actually. I remember, it was the nintendo switch 2 direct and the game just...GOT DROPPED IN THERE. I legit remember screaming haha, about it - god, social media, my dms, my partners, literally everywhere, were alight with activity in a way I hadnt seen since the chapter 2 days and it felt GOOD.
In May, things at my "living space" continued to be chaotic, to the point where I felt the same kind of threat that had occured in march, resulting in me turning to people for help in the form of a gofundme. Im...grateful, for all of the support that's been given to me through it. The goal was originally to move into a place that a friend had suggested back around march, a place ran by a lovely fellow that would essentially be a house share, but...it fell through. So the results of the gofundme since have been kept close, untouched, ready for when I find my own place. I've never discussed it much here but to everyone who supported me through that, you're blessed people, and I sincerely appreciate everything. It's...nice to be reminded that Im not alone in the universe. Turns out, I am cared about in a lot of ways. Other than this, two other big things happened: the creation of this blog, which I still love and I still love writing into! It's been my little pet project since May 8th and I think ill be keeping this one around for years to come~ But for the other thing...well, forgive me for being corny but, I was going through a bit of a religious realisation, I guess?
Lemme explain.
So...throughout my life, i've been surrounded by religion and the like, and it was during these particular times that I was honestly questioning my faith. The friend I mentioned, with the whole available house thing, was a part of that in the sense that he encouraged me to think on what matters to me, and as such, I did. To be honest, I feel a little silly for the fact that I would ultimately never get much of an answer to if I have any religious faith. I think I have some kind of connection, and I especially love tellings of bible stories (EXCEPT JOSEPH: KING OF DREAMS, THAT MOVIE IS....really bad), but...I just dont find myself putting faith in a higher power. Its kinda hard to do that when most of your life has been the direct results and actions of people negatively affecting you, and then said people never taking accountability for those things. Its hard to have faith when you directly know how callous people can truly be. Why believe in a god when people themselves are evil at times? I thought of something like that around the time I think. But alas, this doesnt mean that my mind is against the possibility. Im not narrow minded, so. But...yeah, it continues to be quite the elusive thing.
June was huge. Not only because of the start of summer, either.
I remember that June 4th was literally like christmas, christmas in july- wait, wrong thing, that's hhhgregg. PANASONIC BLU-RAY~! But I digress: the internet EXPLODED on that day, lowkey. Steam itself crashed because of the sheer activity of the fanbase trying to download and get the game all at once. It was sheer pandemonum, and I loved it. And I gotta say, there's such a special place in my heart for this period of the game, that's still ongoing until chapter 5 gets released somewhere in 2026. But honestly, the entire landscape of the game was changed and...its surreal to see. It remains to be one of the best parts of the year for me, and to be honest, uploading my very first playthroughs onto youtube for prosperity's sake proved to be a really good choice as it helped me achieve monetisation on the channel! Mind, it took me a bit to actually get paid but hehe, not bad for a payoff~ But speaking of payoffs, June was important for that reason too, because I got an actual in-person job. My first, admittedly. And Im going to be honest, wow...it really was a game-changer for me, back then. Thing is, i'd never had such a job before and I was nervous as hell concerning it, but in the end, I proved myself quite strong for the role and thus, there I was, out in the field representing good people for a good cause. I wont specify what it was that I was doing, but I was essentially in public. But, even though it's been so long since then now, I still remember it well: the mornings of waking up and getting ready at the crack of dawn, taking my packed lunch, walking into the office early and getting myself a steaming hot cup of coffee to jolt my senses awake in the sepia lighting of the brick-layered building, talking to co-workers or staff and then the team lead when he eventually arrived in on the morning...I miss that, actually. Those are the aspects of the job that I deeply, well and truly, miss.
But i'd be lying to you if I tried saying that every moment was happy.
I've mentioned my gripes in blogposts here, I really have, but fuck me was it a stressful job. Oh, the joys of standing there while members of the public either threaten you with physical violence, treat you as subhuman, claim to you they cant speak english but then they insult you behind your back in clear cut cockney yankey-doodle-doo bullshitter swang, or they're straight up racist because you "dont appear" like they thought you would. Or, amazingly, having your property picked up by random weirdos in the street and in one instance, a crazy person who used my water bottle to try and harm a group of yobbos. Yeah, amazing job(!) Oh, even more amazing when you get stalked, or have weird people hovering around you, or have to run for your train after a depressingly dull day of work while your body is in agony, only to have a near emotional breakdown at the end of it when the bastard train has been cancelled and you're halfway down the country in who-knows-where shitsville. God bless my co-workers for being kind people who had my back on that day - wherever you guys are, I hope you're actually well, and I sincerely appreciate everything you did. Honestly, everything I endured was manageable to some extent since hey, I proved I could get some results, I was just in a rough training period. I proved I was a learner. And being paid on fridays was fucking great, because it was great money for a part-time position honestly, and it felt amazing. I felt like I had a real thing going for me.
And then I was fired in July, at the end of July.
To this day, Im not sure what the fuck even happened but upon consulting my co-workers (who I did keep an eye on for the sake of seeing just how truthful they were - spoiler alert, they were truthful, they got axed too for even more bullshit reasons) and putting together the context clues, I was essentially fired, terminated from the role, for apparently not hitting targets when...yes, I had been. I was in my training period, I was expected to have bad days, and I still had a good amount of early august to achieve the results I needed. But nope, fired. So I give back my equipment, walk through the city feeling like a ghoul, and I hobble back onto public transport and head "home", feeling the humiliation of it. And to be honest, while my heart and soul and brain came to the conclusion that I've typed here now, it did take time, and the pain was still there. I got severance, which was cool, so that's a bonus to my troubles, but it doesnt last long. Not when it gets pinched from you, but, I digress. I spent that day playing Atlyss, which I had recently gotten into, and dipping doritos into salsa. I was pretty fucking depressed I wont lie, and binging a game actually helped me not feel as so. But man, August proved to be a whole month that, to be honest, I needed to heal on. I'd never experienced this kind of pain before, of losing something with so much promise. And it's a shame too, because I really did envision seeing myself being there for longer. But I wouldnt be entirely in the dumps, as I finally released volume 1 of Philanthropy, my own original story, on Archiveofourown around the day or so that I was fired. After spending three years on this thing, I'm deeply happy that I was able to finalise it. I really need to spend time on volume 2 soon...
August would prove to still be a great month though, because i'd end up watching a movie in particular with friends that...honest to god, has changed my life: Arashi No Yoru Ni. One Stormy Night. I've spoken on this film before but GOD ITS SO FUCKING GOOD, SO CUTE, AND IT MADE ME CRY DAMNIT!! But I loved it all the way, I loved it so much and I still do. And surprisingly, it...lead to me becoming a fanfic writer! I'd already been an original fiction author, I mean, you can see that I've mentioned philanthropy up there hehe, but...I always wanted to be a fanfic author and thus, I became one! And over the next few months, i'd write more fanfics of Mei and Gabu from the movie, i'd join the arayoru discord, and i'd keep busy!
Im trying to remember if anything of note particularly happened in September. It's funny, I remember more of the early months but, nothing of this month. Probably for the better, as the one thing that comes to mind is staying in a hotel as a resort away from the clowns I live with constantly arguing. That experience was fun and to be honest, inspiring, in a sense - it showed me the kind of power of living, albeit for two days, in a temporary space where there's no chaos, where its just peaceful. And like I said within the blogpost from the time, watching Cool World was an added bonus honestly. The whole thing was a surreal experience. Not just Cool World haha, but, being there in that hotel space for a brief time. If it wasnt under such depressing circumstances, I'd consider myself pretty happy to be there. Although wow, a diet of...instant noodles for two days straight is fucking horrendous and I never want to redo that. Listen, I love that stuff, but the age old saying of "too much of anything is bad for you" IS DAMN TRUE. Other than this, I remember feeling...hopeful, I guess, about the colder seasons. Ironic how that opinion has changed as time passes onward. I think the best part of this month had to be when I began watching Dexter - like House, I've also become quite obsessed with it and im doing a rewatch of season 1 at the moment to get me back into the swing of things. But I love Dexter - the whole dynamic of the sociopathic serial killer killing those who have evaded police custody while he's ALSO a blood spatter analyst for the cops themselves is so fucking entertaining, and I love it a lot. I need to getback to watching more of Dexter: Original Sin.
But it's hard to get back into something you know got cancelled.
To get to the quick and short of it with October, I ended up getting a job after...two months out of the whole rigmarole, very similar to my old one. It's a shame to be honest; everything about this one just felt like it could have been better, could have been better than the shit that I endured prior with my first job but...no. At first, I was optimistic, but as I kept doing it, that optimism declined. I hated the way things were, how there was little to no organisation: I hated how flippant management was, I hated that I got given shit for literally just trying to make management's life a little easier by handling my own travel costs so they could pay me back later (im pretty sure the fuckers never even paid me back for the insane level of travel costs I accrued), I hated how I had a random "special saturday" added onto my full-time five day a week 7 hours a day-centric shift that literally added NOTHING towards my paycheck and I hated how I was condescended to all the goddamn time by either management or the shitty people I had to interact with. My favourite one out of those was either the lunatic giving me a smug smile from her bedroom window, or the clown I dealt with who looked like one of the cows from classic disney asking me "what the hell is wrong with you" when I initiated conversation. You meet some proper ridiculous characters in this line of work, and its hilarious how a lot of them had this weird holier than thou attitude. But what I hated most of all was how little I actually earned despite the fact that I was earning more at my last job, for less hours, for less days. How???? How does that work????? How am I earning LESS from a FULL-TIME JOB???? I'll never understand it. My only positive memory of this time, to be frank with you, was when I got to a particular on-site location too early, so I ended up wandering around town and going into a local bookstore...where I ran into my big sister and her partner by complete accident. We all ended up going to a local starbucks and having a hot drink together, which was honestly just a pleasant time. It felt nice, yknow, to have someone supportive of me, two people, who were really rooting for me. Best day of the job to be honest - and I did like my co-workers, but...most of them dropped like flies like I eventually did.
Because I quit.
This time, I wasnt fired, I quit. I was so miserable, so angry, so tired. I hadnt even had a damn rest properly because of that bloody saturday. I had ONE day of rest out of all of that time I was working there, plus shit going on at "home". And the more I got harassed on the job, the more the problems grew, the more angry I became. I didnt even have time to spend with my partners, my friends, people I cared about. And the travel was killing my bank, alongside the fact that I was UNDER FUCKING PAID, basically lied to, about my wages. Fucking assholes lmao. Actual fucking assholes. So on Halloween, I waited for any info about where i'd be headed out to...only for nobody to give me a clearcut answer, which pissed me off. I was expected to get somewhere i'd have less than an hour to get to from where I lived, AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHERE I'D BE. So I said fuck it, I had enough, I handed in my notice and at midday, I met with my manager, had a brief convo, handed in my equipment and bid the man farewell. Ironically, as I was waiting for the guy to show up because even on a matter like this he's STILL FUCKING LATE TO THE POINT, I was writing my second Arashi No Yoru Ni fic in a starbucks. Good time tbh, first time really being in there on my own. Was a nice time. But yeah...I quit my job. Felt really good too yknow. I finally had time, so...I did my yearly traditions with deltarune. But...didnt play the game this time. I dont really know why, but, I was upset at how exhausted I really was, and subsequently, I just didnt do my yearly replay. Just so exhausted, I was. The yearly piece I do for the game even took longer this time. A genuine shame. Eventually got it done though.
November and December are familiar enough months. November was watching more dexter, November was healing from the shitty job experience I had. TimeSplitters Rewind finally got released and I saw that happen - hell, made a video on it, "TimeSplitters Rewind Means a Lot to Me", and it was another fun little project. December came around, Birthday happened, and...yeah.
Here we are.
I guess...how I feel about myself and my life in retrospect, in a summaritive sense now, is that I've grown up. I've grown up, I've been shaped by my experiences, and I am tired. Oh so tired. But above all else, I am loved. It's funny, when I get upset I tend to forget that important fact, because all that I can really focus on is the failure of my own actions and how much I fuck up in such stupid, incongruent ways. But Im loved. I have my two beloved partners, my sisters, friends, people that I can say are my life long buddies who mean a lot to me, who all care about me and want what's best for me. And I think I want what's best for me two. I've not been the most perfect of people and there are plenty of moments that I've had to grow from, from being so utterly stupid or overemotional or bullheaded at times. Hell, i've had to maintain my composure a lot under pressure and that's been a feeling i've had to get used to. But I think i've matured, grown older, grown up. And Im happy about that. I realise that I need to take care of myself much more, that I need to be kinder to myself, to evolve in ways I never thought I could previously, and just keep going. I want to see myself in a year of change, for 2026. I want to prove I am capable of crafting my own world, my own life, and I think I can be happy if I apply myself to the task, herculean as it may be, of getting outta my current circumstances and getting to somewhere better. I want to live, frankly.
So, sayonara, 2025. What a ruckus of a year! But...I feel like 2026 may be something special.
That.
And it's also 20 years of sonic 06 being a thing. Wahoooo!
Fuck it, we ballin'. Good riddance 2025, here comes the new year! See you all on the other side!
- Pachii.