#43 - Continued Stress, Small Success, Archive Digging, Twitter, Trying to Keep Hoping - 19/01/2026
To say a lot changes between blog posts is quite the understatement. Unfortunately, for all of the small little inklings and idioms of peace that I thought myself of having around the start of the year, they've all but dissipated and I find myself stomaching the unfortunate possibility that, thanks to the clowns I find myself living with, I might not even BE here at where I live in...over a month or so's time. It is honestly a possibility, a strong one, that has been debilitating to cope with and even moreso knowing that it's not actually due to my fault, it's due to the fact that the circus crew I live with for some reason dont understand the idea of consequences of their actions. And of course, those consequences affect me, because I'm within their proximity, and that means that I'm collateral damage in the process. I can't begin to express the kind of visceral frustration I feel, alongside the anxiety that bubbles in the background, knowing that shit might be fucked up on my end soon due to not MY fault, but the fault of others who only now just regret their actions. Crocodile regret, more like. Its on that note that I could possibly be asked, "well, why dont you get out of there anyway?". Well, here's the thing: it's not that simple. This implies that I have enough of anything and everything I need to secure a flat, an apartment, a whatever, for myself in a LONG-TERM configuration, which I unfortunately dont because people continue to pinch off of me knowing im in a shit living situation and even when I'm keeping enough for myself, i'm playing a waiting game. And if the worst case scenario happens next month around february 10th, then playing the waiting game isnt really going to work in the current setup of things. I know im being quite vague, but I'd like to describe it all in specifics while keeping it fairly anonymous. That's the point. Im fucked off with it, actually. So i'm playing a gamble: will the worst case scenario happen next month? Or, in an act of what I can only call a fucking miracle, a miracle I REALLY GODDAMN NEED to be frank with you, worst case scenario doesnt happen and for a brief window of time I can rest? I dont know, it's basically 50/50, and I've never been that much of a gambler or an oddsmaker. I like the idea of being one, but I've lived my life so far around destructive elders who basically destroyed their own stability through being shit people. Not trying to act like I'm a saint, mind you, but I have the self-awareness to understand that when I fuck up, I fuck up, and I own up to my fuck-ups even if it's really humiliating. Pride is something I still struggle with. But in all of this, this case, I want to bet on the better option, the "non-worse case scenario" option, that things will be OKAY, and that in the end, this blog post will be a stupid reminder of an admittedly worser time. I want that to be the case. I will hope that, to be the case.
Besides, I need time to actually put some of my ducks in order; I still want to finally get around to properly beginning the steps for an autism diagnosis, for the sake of some peace of mind and putting context to how fucking strange I am as a human being. I've never fit into the social norms of things, I've always had a vapid slant to my interests in that they're as quick to arrive in my life as they are fleeting in the same instance, how I hyperfixate on things, how I find it genuinely difficult to function in specific social spaces or within giant public crowds. Hell, I find myself overthinking basic shit like "how to order something in front of a crowd" or "where the fuck do I stand to wait for my coffee and how do I stop myself from panicking, thinking that I'm being socially awkward and everyone is staring at me?". Even here, I can express my thoughts so much easier than when I'm put on the spot by strangers or im trying to defend myself from someone in my personal life who decides to use me as their target for the daily unleashing of wrath. Sometimes, it feels like there's a massive disconnect between how I KNOW i'm smart, I KNOW i'm intelligent, I KNOW i'm good at things, but it's like I just have glitches; it's as if my body has a mind of it's own compared to my brain. I know this all seems like yabber and yapping but it's the only way to explain it and it sucks that this is the hypothetical I have to give to explain something that I wish I could communicate verbally or in some kind of less imcomprehensible way, more cohesive way. Other than the autism diagnosis, honestly, It's eventually getting some kind of diagnosis on if I have a problem with being depressed, or anxiety, as I find myself having random bouts of anxiety at times which can severely fuck with me on a daily basis. It's gotten to the point where I genuinely panic about specific things I eat, which then causes me to feel anxious, which then causes me to projectile vomit what I ate hours or only moments before. I know this is TMI, but it's something I at least feel comfortable saying because the alternative is pretending like im oh so dandy and fine, that I dont have what seems to be severe enough fucking problems that actively make my days worse and are only getting more frequent by the passage of time, which I CANNOT currently focus on resolving because of the other fucking major thing going on which could severely fuck up my current residence. I know...that this is a lot, and to be honest this probably seems like a rant, but I'm being frank. I'll always be really frank about that. Honesty is a principle that I find to be important. But yeah, autism diagnosis, anxiety/depression diagnosis, they're big things I want to resolve WITHIN this year I hope.
And I hope that the worst case scenario doesnt come to pass. I don't think I currently believe in a god (hard to do so, given how my life has been immensely stressful and i'm just...supposed to believe that god has this big plan that makes what i've suffered through worth it when the idea of justifying the BS i've endured is aggravating. No disrespect to those who do believe in a god, but to be frank, I can't currently), but I hope that whatever strings being pulled out there by probability and fate are pulled in my favour. I hope.
Something I initially forgot to add in here is that the SAPARi video from years back has finally hit 10k views! I'll talk about it in another blogpost, soon enough.
In the downtime, as I rest at night, I find myself trying to bide the time between days. I enjoy the night for how quiet it is, for how I can escape into dreamland for just a little bit. It's a good way to reset my mental state as well, which, to be honest, given what life is like nowadays, really helps. But I find myself digging through the archives of some sites. I won't say where, but I find these sorts of places and digging into places online to be a fun trek. It doesnt require too much effort from me, either, and I've always been a fan of reading at night - it's fun, to be frank, I like reading at night because it's honestly better than burning the remaining daylight on twitter or some other vapid social media site. But looking through the archives, seeing discussions, finding interesting pieces of information, is engaging. I think people underestimate how useful it is to dig into the archives of places, find information that makes you aware of things you didnt know before, and helps you with specific stuff. Hell, I learned of some obscure settings on twitter through digging like this. I like being internet literate. I want to be even moreso eventually.
Speaking of twitter; recently, I was asked why I was still on the site, given the whole shit going on with Grok being able to just alter images at will, which obviously has really dire implications for people who practically live off of the site for commissions or patreon or whatever. And then there's whatever happened with the TOS, which seems to make it so that all images are fed into whatever "AI" seems to exist on twitter now, courtesy of Elon. I did give a reason out for why I'm still here, but to be frank, I just have my twitter still for the remaining sane people that could, for example, potentially commission me. Twitter certainly is a shithole, always has been, but I'd rather use the place for the remaining good people left. I don't believe in this idea that the place is solely "AI" weirdos and crazy racist people. Sure, they exist there, they absolutely do, but they're not 100% percent of the site. So thus, twitter remains. Twitter has, to be frank, never been an art site and never will be, but I hope to maybe funnel more people over to the other socials I have so that I wouldn't have to use twitter someday. I'm not about to go nuke my twitter of 5+ years just because some trendy "better" site came up, which also happens to be rife with it's own problems. Im a lot smarter than falling for the same pitfalls other artists have fallen into. Realistically, if people want twitter to be good, they have to lobby for the banning of "AI" shit as a whole. I call it that in quotes to clarify, because it's not even actual artificial intelligence, it's a large language model that regurgitates prompts instead of thinking for itself. Motherfuckers clearly havent read I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, and it shows. AM is what an AI is, not Grok. Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey IS an Ai, Grok and ChatGpt are not. Ellison and Kubrick are rolling in their graves over this shit, probably. Ellison would probably torch a server-farm if he was still around. Extreme? Oh for sure, but...it's kind of in character for him haha. But yeah, my twitter is being kept around until the day it no longer serves use.
The final thing I wanna say is...honestly, I just hope the worst case scenario doesnt happen. I just want an easy start to the year. I dont want to keep going through all of this shit that's completely unnecessary, and not the fault of myself, but of others.
May there be some good luck coming my way. Maybe, for a moment, the universe can be a bit kind to the odds in play for me. Just maybe.