#45 - Video Research, Overwatch (Fortunately) and Drinking, Valentine's Day, The Upcoming Week - 14/02/2026
What a set of weeks it's been. Specifically two or so, approaching two anyway. It's been a lot. To make it brief, the peace I was supposed to get on the 11th from particularities never came to be, leaving me quite stressed as things have only been dragged out further into the future. But I can't really do anything about that, so it is what it is. But other than this, a lot of the time between my last blogpost and today has been just getting on with life and getting things done. Even in the face of the consistent stress I face, the world doesn't stop moving, so I too shall not become static. Lofty way of putting it but it's true, I don't like to keep still, i'm always doing something. A big thing in the time i've had between then and now is video research, actually - while i've mentioned a lot of my video researching and ideas before, there's one particularly big video that i've wanted to make for some time and, unbeknownst to me, little did I expect to find the largest holy grail in terms of information for it lately. It was approaching 2AM here and I was in a voice call with some friends, and i'm tinkering around and basically net surfing. I put in a particular search term on a site i've already dug around on and I find an account that not only gives me a treasure trove of information, but essentially solves the thesis of that video in particular. I know i'm being quite vague, but, hey, youll wait and see when it's eventually done hehe. But seriously, what a brilliant discovery! Admittedly a stupidly silly one because it was right under my nose all this time, but knowing it lead me to a digital paper trail and a few accounts is insane to me. I mean, we're talking about something from 20 years ago, it's that old, so imagine finding a lead strong enough to lead to new information! In this day and age! It's stuff like this that honestly makes me feel alive. So i've reached out, tried to see if I can arrange an interview, and I'm essentially within the waiting process of it all now. And if I dont get that interview? Then I still have a fantastic video ill end up making.
It's with stuff like this in which the topic of my approach comes up, when it comes to this stuff. Ive come to understand that my method of investigating and dissecting, understanding, reaching out about old topics is different to that of most others in the sense of my persistence. I find that I'm polite, but much more wanting to dig into the nitty-gritty of it all, to get the information that I desire. Of course, I always remember to be kind during all of this, hell, don't even need to remember, it IS how I act anyway, but i'm more comfortable with asking the more blunt questions overall. It makes me understand that I'm not always going to gel with the more professional types, but, I'm fine with that. The thing is, I find things interesting enough to want to preserve and document them for future generations. That is one of my objectives with the video essays I do, absolutely, especially when it comes to the more specifically archival stuff. My other objective is to present interesting things and essentially? Tell a good story. I like being a storyteller, it's an enjoyable process and I feel like I'm good at framing things in certain ways for the dramatic or impactful, well, impact. Maybe that is ego, maybe that's something else, I dunno, but I enjoy it all. So i've come to accept that I am, for example, not presenting myself as this prim and almost-corporate persona. I'm not corporate, wont ever be as such, and I certainly won't be putting on a front or a mask to obfuscate what my content is. My content is interesting stories, introspections, archival work, obscure topics, analysis, etc. It will certainly not be anything else, if any. I hope that all of this makes sense: I'm essentially saying that I'm less corporate and sanitised when it comes to my research methods and approach, that I go the extra mile while still having tact. Overall, I hope to end up getting some interesting results in the end from this, because such a huge lead and such a massive reveal overall in the journey i've taken for this two to three, even four year old research project is honestly insane and I NEED, NEED to share this with others. Maybe this is my autistic bullshit that I focus on in my spare time that nobody else gives a fuck about, but, I love doing it, and it's fun to document.
Now, onto a completely different topic lmao. After stating my feelings on Overwatch in the last blogpost, I...well, fuck. Okay, I gotta concede. Admittedly, all of what got revealed lately by the game and the fact that the game's so active has pulled me back in and while it's not perfect, hell, I dont think it could ever be that perfect (not like the fun of the 2018 days anyway), I'm honestly really enjoying myself with Overwatch again for the first time in what must be four years now. For starters, whatever they did with the new update and "soft" relaunch, it can actually run on my bloody computer now. I dont know what was wrong with the game before but I swear, for my PC being relatively decent, it's insane that the game couldnt even RUN on my hardware. Ironically, only the in-game shop was functional back then, which makes me wonder a bit too much about Blizzard being greedy. But anyway, the game runs now!! Hurrah! And...i've honestly been having fun. I'll admit, it's in a way a new experience for me since Overwatch uh...not 2 anymore, now it's just Overwatch again (huh), is so different now. But i've been having fun man. A part of me hates to admit that, but I don't like being particularly dishonest, so I am just having fun. I've always been fond of the tank role, so I've been basically a tank main for these past few days and honestly, Mauga, Wrecking Ball, sometimes Hazard or Doomfist or Sigma (who, despite having not played this game on PC in years, the muscle memory is STILL strong with which I find insane) are the picks i've been choosing. Mauga in particular is just fun. It's just fun to run around as a big beefy guy (who's honestly kinda hot) with two chainguns, slamming into people and setting them on fire. Wrecking Ball shares the fun too here in that I like being a menace in the backline and honestly just rolling around, booping people off of the map, being an absolute cretin lmao. I love being a disruptive tank, to be frank, and it helps that the game is more built for it nowadays. Not really a fan of Domina so far, she's kind of annoying to go up against as any tank OTHER than Mauga, but I suppose it fits. Occasionally my PC will freak out when playing the game but it's been so rare in it's instances that it doesnt bother me too much. It's just...I know that tone is hard to parse and I seem fairly monotone in YOUR mental voice potentially, potentially, but I honestly am having fun and i've had the addictive itch to play more. Even as I write this, it's a strong itch. Shame my room becomes a bloody sauna in here when I play - my room's kinda cramped, so when my PC is basically spewing out baking hot air and it's already cramped, I feel like i'm sweating up a storm. Least it will keep me warm in the last days of winter lmao, but god I am not looking forward to the hot baking summer WITH THIS here. Unless I have a giant bottle of ice or something. Or drinking.
Speaking of, due to the stress of everything lately, I decided to treat myself yesterday to some smirnoff vodka. In...retrospect, I dont know if it was because some shit happened that pulled me back to being sober or how weirdly bloated I felt despite having not eaten a single thing all day and the nachos with my drinking just not being hearty enough for my appetite, but it just didnt feel very good. Drinking while playing overwatch did, apparently im really fucking cracked at Wrecking Ball enough lmao, but idk. I just dont feel like I deserved it, to have that drinking session. Im weird in that I feel like I need to earn some things in my life, before I can use them, even if they're already within my possession. Maybe I should shake that mentality at somepoint. But ah well. I just think i'll be careful with when I drink and maybe I'll do it on, say, saturday or sunday next time, just to avoid the particularity of drinking on friday the fuckin 13th of all days. Honestly that might be it. Dunno if i'm suspicious but it's just a bit...too convenient.
Thank god it's valentines day today then, at least. I dont actually have too much plans other than watching a movie with friends and then spending time in VR on VRCHAT with my beloved partners <3 Those two are my world, and a lot of motivation for what I do. Im glad that I've come to the understanding that I have about relationships and love nowadays. As a teenager, I desperately wanted to be appreciated and loved, understood. Didnt know how to express myself, didnt know how to tell people properly how much I cared about them - sometimes, my words felt like obligations and requirements than heart and soul. Nowadays, i'm glad to be a more emotional person if it means I have so much more of a beating heart and a soul to boot. People gain these things over time, some quicker than others, but, growing older and gaining perspective in these sorts of things I feel is nice. The moment you realise you've aged in a good way is important. I've had a lot of those moments in the previous year and, even lately. For example, the pachiimochii of last year would be too afraid to phone up for a GP Appointment to kickstart getting an autism diagnosis. That's a big thing this upcoming week: Monday, I'll be getting that. I'll be kickstarting the process officially, going to a GP on my own for the first time, and hopefully it wont take ages for the specialist I want to contact me, and then we can arrange further tests. Tuesday, i'm busy with a paid thing that should be nice for me, helping out a nice little place in the city. No idea about the rest of the week but I am contemplating going out to sell some old games I no longer want, just for the extra bit of pocket change. Also an excuse to be proactive and get outside, since, contrary to being so intertwined with technology, I actually love the downtime outside. I think it's worrysome for humans to forget that yknow, they NEED nature, they need to breath amongst green grass and parks. A world made of concrete jungles is a dour, depressing one, so appreciate the parks and the hillsides and the way that grass bends when drenched by rainfall, yknow? Not saying im mister-eco-friendly, but, nature should be respected in amounts and with certain tact to it. I need to arrange going to more places like that myself, once this cold season is over and once spring kicks into place. And in summer too, actually. Funny to think that i'm looking forward to Summer now.
I realise that a lot of this is quite random, but I suppose it fits the tempo of my recent life. There's not much else I can do but survive and keep going and keep clocking on with the things I need to do and I think that's ultimately fair. I'm not optimistic, per se, but I am just trying to think more forwardly to the future. This isnt a goal necessarily but I'd love to be out of my current living circumstances by the end of the year at least. But if not? Then 2027 is fine. I just dont want to keep being in the same shitty environment at the end of the day, but if it means I can prepare towards a potentially bright future?
So be it. I'll play my cards right.