#46 - Appointment and Referral Progress, Voluntary Photowork, A Peaceful Saturday/Sunday - 22/02/2026
As I sit here in my chair on the early hours of Sunday the 22nd of February, I find myself feeling content. Content for the time being and enjoying the moment, I'd say. I've just come off of being in vrchat with my beloved partners, one of my partners's sisters, and a close friend of the other partner. To say I am content is an understatement. I feel happy, which makes me feel even more happy. I haven't really had this kind of feeling in some time, mainly due to how immensely stressful everything has been the past two months. And I'm not stressless as I type this to be frank with you - I've got some things on the brain, but the joy I have at the moment overrides that nagging, prickling feeling. Sometimes, I'm allowed a moment. I will take that moment, and extend it for...hopefully some time. But enough with me being vague. I'm sitting here, typing this, listening in on an Overwatch stream, happy from having been in vr and prior to that having watched a childhood classic film with some close buddies. I feel alright, yknow. I like this. And with that, for how aggravatingly stressed from recent things I am, there are some small successes that I can count.
For example: my Appointment to visit my GP and get started on the process of getting an autism diagnosis! On the 16th, I visited my GP (for the first time - actually, the first time I've set foot in one on my own, ever, and one of my own choosing too) and...it went well! The person who saw me was incredibly kind and understanding, listened to me, allowed me to explain how I feel, told me the process, and overall I just had a nice experience being able to communicate the feelings I have about this topic and why I suspect that I am autistic. There's a shyness, embarassment, when it comes to being so vulnerable, but I appreciate the chance to explain myself for what I believe myself to be. And within less than seven hours after that, I got an email from my selected specialist and since, I've been going through the various forms that I've been assigned to do. It's a bit of a process, and I feel kind of...silly? I guess? Not at anything in particular but I suppose the fact that a lot of what's on these things not only describes me to a fault but the fact that this earnesty I have to express and the honesty I must express with admitting the habits I have, the quirks, ticking habits, whatever, it's just a certain level of "real" from a clinical perspective that's so clear cut and crystal and stark to me. This process of going through these forms is ultimately for the best benefit, for my mental health and I think that i'm gonna be okay, yknow? I don't fear anything anymore about it. I'm going to be okay. It's a nice feeling to feel, security in the future in even a sliver of a sense. I won't denyt that a part of gets a little upset knowing that SO MANY OF THESE LISTED SIGNS of being autistic are...literally how i've operated since I was a kid and have evolved into their adult-autism associated variations and splinters, this idea that "fuck man, I've possibly not known my full self for all of my life". But...that's what the process of getting this diagnosis is for. I'm gonna get the rest of these forms done and dusted, then...a five month wait. A wait i'm fine with, if it means knowing myself more for the first actual time. If I am, of course, autistic.
The GP Appointment wasn't the only thing I had going on this week - actually, I had a bit of voluntary photowork for a small little place going on the day after! I won't lie, out of all of the places I've done photography for, this might have been the most quaint of them all. It was a delightful little event in which a lot of public speaking people got to say some really lovely words to an audience and the sheer level of humanity in the room was...soul-cleansing. Not to be dramatic, but that raw level of human in speaking so clearly on things like the harder topics to swallow, or something people can relate to, is just nice. I feel like the general public is almost muted in being human sometimes, which makes it harder to process the outside world. I know I struggle with it, hell, my past two jobs I've had prove that a lot (people forget to be kind or just have certain courtesies, especially if you're trying to get people to listen to you over important matters or approaching them elsewhere). Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that the kindness and human touch to people comes out nicely in little events like the one I went to here on the tuesday that passed, and I'd like to do this again honestly. Also, shoutout to the fact that I got back late and then came "home" to devour a chicken tikka on a really fucking good baguette. Like, what IS it with baguettes??? why are they so nice????? yes im going to use these question marks, they're bloody tasty! Not the question marks, the bread. God, I need to buy another one of those at somepoint, it legit saved my stomach from killin' me by hunger. Just waiting to be paid from that work ngl - I DONT think i've been paid yet. May be wrong though.
I'm being paid in other ways though, that aren't like the former hehe. I've been paid by the whims of the universe in lovely times today! I had a really good time on vrchat today - just being able to do so much within this virtual space means a lot, and the fact that i'm able to just spend time with people I genuinely cherish means a lot. Surpassing the length of the distance between us all, me and my beloved partners, is everything to me. Sure, the touch isnt physical, but god, I can feel it within my soul. And having a close friend of one partner and then the other partner's sister with us just adds so much of a dynamic in the cute little group we've assembled. It's funny, really - since I started meeting up with friends in vr over a year or so ago, i've wanted to make a video on vrchat and my personal experiences, my experiences have only continued to evolve and change with time. The thesis for what I've wanted to discuss has evolved like I have and my relationship to the virtual space has. I want to mull on that more - ive got video plans already, but, alas~ I'm just...happy man. Im really happy. I can't help but be happy really.
I've not had it easy recently. Or lately. Or in the past months. Or whatever timespan I can whip up at this kooky hour. But I have people who just care about me, family, friends, my beloved partners. And yknow what? That love, that care, should never be taken for granted. There are some things within this world that are stronger than any element that you can snipe off of the periodic table. The human soul, the love within that, the touch of kindness that makes us so alive and real, is a potently strong thing. Doesnt even have to be romance either. Knowing you're loved, appreciated, seen, is everything. I think that's something nobody should take for granted and I'm glad i've evolved enough to know what these feelings can mean.
I love my beloveds <3 My absolute everythings, and the sparks in my heart that keep my soul flickering.
I may not always have great days. Im not perfect. And life may be like driving over a cobblestone road in a toyota with flat tires...but yknow what? I'm happy. And really, that and the support of my close circle and family is all I need in the end.
