#51 - Nighttime Thoughts, Happenings, Hopes - 30/05/2026
It's midnight here. I've written here in the past at such a time, though, I write now as I have some time. To get the elephant in the room out of the way, didnt have time or really any space to actually write on the anniversary of making this whole thing. Its a shame, I wanted to talk on the day, yet, not much chance. I don't really have much privacy anymore and that kinda sucks. From time to time, I do get some space to myself, so, it is what it is. I wanna say that, despite my circumstances, I'm happy that I started furikake corner - it's accompanied me throughout this past year and I don't regret that, at all. It's nice to have a realm of my own to at least organise my thoughts in. I just wish most of the entries were more positive, though, perhaps in the future they may also end up as such. A lot has happened since my last entry. I will document it here.
My living situation is...egh. I enjoy my time here, It's nice, good to finally end up somewhere overall healthier. Though the caveats have shown, and I have gotten frustrated in defense quite a few times. I will admit that I am defensive when pressured is applied to me, though, it's ended up unnecessarily applied to me several times to the point where I have snapped. I am not perfect, I dont claim I am, I wish I wasnt held to insane perfection standards. It's a weird balance when im doing therapy and sometimes I'll get some wrath for small mistakes, mistakes anyone else would say are just mistakes. It sucks to get that anger at me after having lived where I lived previously.
However, I've got some good news! Im undertaking therapy, and the first session so far was enlightening. It was...nice, yknow, to talk on shit i've held inside for 14 to 15 years, stuff i've told no-one else fully. I am eagerly awaiting the next session. It was nice really as it's reassuring to know that perhaps, I can find a way to heal myself. Talking without a mask felt like relief - I didnt need to mask myself, to adhere to guidelines and "dont tell anyone" mentalities, I was in the position to talk as I wanted. It also makes me realise how fucked up my family really is, and how that Im one person in a sea of this. My generation has had their heads screwed in like that, and i'm doing what I can to rectify the damage now. So much in my life that happened was never necessary, it was never my fault, the guilt I feel for the shit I was used as a human shield for (which should have never happened) wasnt my fault. I cannot hold the weight of the shit that my family did, all of which I had nothing to do with, and expect to live. I want to go in-depth more on it, with my therapist, get further counselling, heal thyself. I know that I also have to take on the advice given to me too. I think this and the autism stuff, which im still working towards despite the remote funding cutoff and having to start from scratch now, is a way towards healing. And I am excited to just start living a tad, even if its small things. To grow in the sun instead of wilt in the dark now.
I have a plan for what to do from here - Im gonna play via the rules, get setup here proper, find work or some kind of way into stability, get a flat in the area im in now, and live. I want to find my life, live my life, on my own damn terms. I am my own master and ill live.
I know I can.