#52 - Tiredness, 1st Anniversary, Going to Pride for the First Time, Deltarune Chapter 5 (YEAAAAAH!!) - 16/06/2026
Ech.
That's what I currently feel, as I write this in a cafe right now. I've had quite a day yesterday. See, I have good days, recently i've had good days - ill discuss that in here soon. Yet, when an awful day happens thanks to the fact that the person hosting me currently decides to snap and act crazy over one slight error I make (in this case, putting a loaf of bread in the wrong side of a bag - amazing, this lead to a psychotic near-nine hour rant at me and twisting that one action into the worst things), it puts me in an uncomfortable spot. I don't really know what it is concerning me that gets people to go apeshit when I make a small error, one error that isn't life threatening or harming anyone - yet, it's treated as if i've killed someone. So the majority of yesterday was essentially just listening to an asshole rant over and over at me, twisting my one error into, all of a sudden, a personal attack. I don't know how we got to his point.
It just sucks I suppose. I am tired due to this all - it's a kind of anxiety that I feel on the constant at times, the kind of weirdly sporadic aggression and condescension aimed at me despite doing nothing wrong, I’m always worried ill end up getting shit for doing nothing at all or somehow making mistakes that are completely out of my control. The reason I'm so calm concerning it is due to the fact that therapy lately and good experiences I've had have given me perspective. Necessary perspective. I won't go into too much detail as it's fairly private, though, I’ll say this: it's helping, and I feel like I've had a chance to accept that I'm not just one massive fuck-up; I have issues internally, I've endured a lot, stuff that was never normal and stuff no-one should endure to start with. There are signs that I am traumatised, and...yknow what? I want to heal, not toil in the fact. So, from therapy and recent outings, i've just found ways to heal and find inner peace and it feels good to just feel human, to know im gonna end up okay. Unlike the asshat i've dealt with yesterday, I dont use the shit ive gone through as an excuse to actually act like a cunt, to inflict pain through words on others. Pain, lack of ways to soothe pain, etc, it aint justified ever imo. Dont get me wrong, I've had times where exhaustion and pain have made me snappier - yet, I always apologise and try to circumvent it in the end, to improve, optimise. Hell, when I had my first job last year in summer of 2025, I ended up making a friend from ending up in an argument on a discord server. And they're a real one - nep, you're cool man. Point is to all of this, pain doesnt excuse acting like an asshole, especially if you're a grown ass man 40+ in age. I dont really know what i'll do, since I still am not legally tied anywhere despite promises of that happening. Im just gonna try and find income via applying for as much work as I can, get myself aimed towards finding a place of my own so I can just finally get some peace.
The sad part is is that the place I used to live in...said I can come over, and family has suggested I just return there. The insanity of such a statement is just..its much. I've dealt with this entire situation and I've hauled ass just to try and get things over to where I am now. So why would I give that up, give up where I am now, just to return to an even worse situation? I dont have anywhere to properly go - so, I must find my way out of the maze. And get the hell out as soon as I can, as yknow what? Neither parent I have is good for me, and family cannot be relied on at all anymore. I never wanted to rely on people, I had no other choice. So, I will keep going. If this was two months ago, id despair. However, I know I am worth more than I realise, thanks to therapy and having perspective given to me from that healing time. I will survive. I know I will.
Onto a different topic - I didnt comment on the anniversary of this blog did i? Or if I did, I dont recall. Well, here I am discussing it now. Despite the fact that shit happened across this past year, I am happy I have this thing. It's a cornerstone of my life, and a way to document myself. I suppose that it fits my archivist highly-likely-that-i-am-autistic brain, this idea of needing to preserve things. Yet, I know that I dont fixate too much on the past and trauma directly, it comes to me in distress or if people keep fucking reminding me over and over. Either way, im happy to have this thing. I know someday, ill glimpse at this whole thing, and this period, and smile. I think that.
So, I wanna mention a good thing lately: I went to pride lately, for the first time! It was for volunteering from another thing, yet, i got the chance to experience it. It was my first pride event and...yknow what? I get why people come to these things. Sure, I feel that the pricing is kinda ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yet, i get it, i do. And it's nice to feel represented, to feel like I am amongst people just like me. To see so much life, so many people from different walks of life, people expressing themselves, its...nice. It hits home as I know that surrounding me in my life, I have lovely people I can contact online, who are the deepest compatriots I have. Events like pride are a reminder in-person that i'm okay to exist as a queer person - i wanna take some of my friends here, my partners here, to these kind of events. Its nice to feel free. I purchased some cute little charms while I was here, which...fill me with this sense of, hah, pride, no pun intended. It's good to feel like I am valid to exist as a queer guy. Im not repressed or closeted much, I'm just private concerning it - it's no-one else’s business but my own. All my life i've had no privacy, im keeping what I have now. So this instance was eye opening, this pride event. And I want to go to another sometime!
NOW, FOR THE HUGE THING IN THE ROOM:
Deltarune chapter 5!
Holy FUCK ITS HERE. JUNE 24TH. MARK THE DAMN DATE. RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am excited! Really goddamn excited! Initially, i...wasn’t. Due to the fact that i missed it's reveal live on the Nintendo direct it happened on. I was really upset ngl. Yet, in time, the excitement has grown and god, I cant fathom how it's only ended up a year since the whole ch3+4 release. Gonna end up an interesting time, to say the least - documenting the history will end up a good task, yet, a fun one to do. I’m not sure even what to expect with this chapter, though, I expect that its gonna end up darker than ch4 due to the fact that Chapter's 3, 4 and 5 were meant to get released together, yet, the plan changed. I’m contemplating where to even play and, inevitably, record my playthrough (I really want to do this since I want to have a local archive of my first playthrough and also help folks with footage for their video essays), since, with everything that happened yesterday, I dont really trust the idea of playing it at home, knowing I could get shit for it. There's a few options: home, a hotel, or a cafe running late into the night. Two of these are costly monetarily, and the other is potentially emotionally taxing. I need to figure out what to do. I want to play on launch, and I will play it on launch. I am sick of the fact that my life and the normalcy in the peaceful things I used to get on with have instead just vanished. Im allowed that peaceful time. Ill figure out what to do. Though, god I cant wait, I really cant wait until the day itself. Its hope <3
There are things to look forward to. Things to appreciate concerning life. I've gone through the wringer the past 2 to 3 months, two years, hell, 15 years of my life. And yet, I am still here. Why? I'm not exactly sure, and I am certainly no saint, never claimed I was. Nothing religious motivates me either. I think I’m still going as I recognise I’m worth a whole lot more than people think I am worth, I'm worthy of having a life, and there's people in this world who mean a lot to me. my partner, some family, friends, allies, just the whole nine yards of good people with hearts in the right place. My existence isn't black and white, binary, it's complicated, and people are too. Yet, I know im worth a lot to others and myself. No matter what, I want to get out of my circumstances.
And I will, mark my words.