#54 - Path Forward, Realisations, Aims, Comic-Con! - 10/07/2026
I've had a time lately. A lot of it is related to the stuff that I mentioned within previous blogposts, but, a lot of it stems from events lately. For starters, things at the place I live at got so intensely bad that I genuinely felt like I had to run away, escape from the genuinely nasty shit that was getting levelled at me. Then, with the fears I had in my heart, I...genuinely considered and was prepared to go back to the very flat that I had been made homeless from, with the two of them there saying I was welcome back. I do admit fault for that - to think that going back was a good thing, I was in a horrible state of mind, to think that. The temptation to have a space for myself, a room, whatever, it's strong. Those elements I do really miss about my life. I was pretty onboard for the whole idea although an inkling of doubt thrived in me. And yet...all it took was a reminder of what I ran from and what I departed from for me to wake up and realise, "holy fuck this is not a good idea at all". So I have a phone call, and I get incredibly nasty words levelled at me, snapped at, screamed at, and-
I wake up in that moment and realise, "I am not fucking coming back to this".
I do feel guilt for that. I feel guilt for saying "I want to come back", only to renege on that when room was made for me somewhat. And I've had plenty of harassment from my own family about my choice. Here's the thing, though. A part of me has woke up lately, and I've realised that the sides that each side love to slip me into when theyre both pissed off, they play this game of putting me into the other side's camp to then justify harassing me over it. I dont like the way that I've been treated in moments of clashing at the place I live at, even with the apology and rescinding of comments that I’ve been given, I dint really accept it. Yet, I don’t forget the kind of hell I came from prior to this place, where I was homeless and praying that me and my mother could get a place up north only for that to fail and the help we were supposed to have having failed. I don’t forget the kind of hell that was the two years at that godawful flat, the one that I got my first and second job at, spent two Christmases at. Here, a taster of what I experienced: mornings where I woke up to screaming, nights where I had to deal with screaming, nights where I was terrified for if people would come back or be okay outside because I genuinely couldn’t trust the two people I lived with, the fact that I got physically attacked once yet didn’t phone the police, the fact that people KNEW I have some level of trauma from domestic violence situations yet continued to do it and propagate it while not even bothering to actually fix their situation. Just the level of uncomfortable-ness to all of it, the way it all repeated, never ended up actually improving despite being told to shut up and accept the way things were. And the thing is, the living situation im in now isnt perfect either! I have to hear really traumatising shit sometimes that Im getting used to tuning out as white noise.
So all in all, no, im on no side. And ive come to realise that the majority of my family are a circus of sycophants who want me to bend to their individual whims and wills and when I dont give them what they want, they lobby abuse at me. So yknow what? fuck all of that and fuck any of that kind of shit, im the master of my own life, and here's the goddamn plan: i'm going to use where im at currently to find work or generate enough income that I can survive on my own so that I can then get a place of my own and be free from the grip of these sycophants that want control over my life. My problem, I feel, is that I feel too much guilt for people with their weird manipulative behaviour, I care for the feelings of these people. I have empathy for the kind of people who really should not have been given that leeway to begin with. But a lot of those people are just family, and...that's where it gets complicated. I love parts of my family but...jesus fuck can a lot of them be absolutely sycophantic.
So Ive woken up. And I know what i'm doing from here. Im gonna work on getting out and doing everything I can to have the life that I want. I have come too far now in this year and these past 4 years alone for me to give it all up and away, just to return to a dogshit flat with so many bad memories that bury and drown the good memories I did have, which are few and far between. All of those good memories come from my partners or friends or people I deeply cherish anyway.
So, something positive: new laptop! Thanks to the work scheme that I am on, of which I want to pursue various new avenues of work from, i've got a new laptop that will help me there! And goddamn is this thing really good! The only real downside is that it's a windows 11 thing, but, its incredibly strong in terms of its specs and im pretty amused with that hehe. But man, I cant wait to be able to have so much freedom when it comes to this thing and using it! Im gonna turn this thing into such a good workstation portably for myself and its gonna be such a beast for work too. So much possibilities open up with this whole shtick. Hell, I wonder if I can emulate things on this. I mean, it has the ram for it. I wont go too mental with the whole thing though, i dont want to end up playing with fate a little and the thing somehow breaks. So ill be careful. But PachiiMochii is back in business in some ways hehehehehhehehe.
My aims from here are to keep living my life and maintain the good that I've got here. The person im living with isnt particularly amazing, very flawed, and...god, when theyre angry or unreasonable they're a prick. They're not a good person, but, I still care about them. Just like how I care about my mother back at the old flat despite her flaws and how she treats me. I still have the empathy inside me to care about people who absolutely need to get a grip and try working towards being happy themselves. Ive been at emotional support, therapy, and im genuinely getting somewhere. Life is not perfect, nor do i blindly follow or forgive the person i live with for their dumb irrational antics, but, ill use my current position to be able to get out eventually so I can live in a place of my own. I want to be free...and ill get there!
Something positive to discuss: comic-con! Dunno if I mentioned this here in the prior blogpost but, im going to comic-con over here around the end of the month! Its been over seven years since I went to comic-con last and I honestly want to just experience the environment again. It was such a different time, when I went last - the final episode of JJBA: Part 5 was airing soon, there were jojo fans everywhere, I was fresh out of college and deltarune was fostering as my biggest hyperfixation and hadnt fully bloomed into what it is now for me. Pre-covid era too. So...why not? I deserve a bit of fun in my life and a bit of time to just be able to do some fun things. I've had a fucking hard year this year and I hate the fact that shit has been so tits up. But yknow what? Some changes were necessary. And in the end, all will be okay. I believe so~
Weird time lately. Yet, I do feel like ill be fine in the end. Some things, I must adapt to. Some things, I do miss. But I know myself, and I know that im my own master of my destiny. I know I suffer with indecision and my confidence is still shaky, yet, I believe in my ability to be okay in the end and to make something out of the bullshit that's happened to me. So, I got this!
PachiiMochii is coming back~