#55 - Stepmania and Positive Moments - 17/07/2026
You ever just have something that you occasionally revisit? Like, anything, a hobby, music, whatever. For me, that's quite a few things. Despite being so interested in the what-once-was and the past, all that lies within it, I do focus more on the present nowadays. A part of that is the fact that i've been having therapy and, lately, proper legal counselling for a lot of what's been happening in my life, both present and all that happened the past 15 years and beyond. But the other part of that is that I think indulging in the past too much can be honest to god dangerous - this is a point I emphasised in the Flash Games video, CRT Dreams, and I still stand by what I said within it. Anyway, the reason I posit these thought is because recently, thanks to acquiring a new laptop as a part of the work scheme that I am under (which will significantly help me when it comes to finding work, as I don't want to remain unemployed, AT ALL. Or at least, I want a consistent income source), i've got a new means of being able to operate online and to be able to function. And, i've loaded this thing up with applications and interesting programs. One of them is Stepmania!
I love Stepmania. For those who don't know, it's a free clone of sorts of dance dance revolution, aka, ddr. People can make their own song packs, song files, and essentially play anything within it. I love this thing deeply, because not only have I grown up with it, but for being basically as old as I am, it's such a fun thing! And the song packs people make for it are damn fun too! I have so many fond memories of when I was little, watching my sisters play not only DDR on their playstation 2, but also play on stepmania and just play charts set to anime songs, stuff like haruhi or pokemon or clannad, etc. There is something deeply comfy about this - just this idea that I can play ddr charts set to anime, things that people really liked back in decades like the 2010s or 2000s, it's nice. It's very much a window to the past and you can sort of sense the passion behind the people making these things - back then, they must have been really passionate weebs who wanted to make fun things for others, this idea of filesharing these files around, idk, it's the kind of thing from an era of time I wasnt directly a part of that I quite enjoy. deasons. When I was much younger, I very much didnt play stepmania myself, finding it quite intimidating - my sisters were and still are insanely good at ddr, so it was like watching masters of their craft at work, completely crushing some insanely difficult charts. And to be honest, there was this vastness when it came to anime back then and still even now, that felt so...overwhelming - a culture that i couldnt completely understand due to being not only young, but it being far bigger than me overall. I've always felt shy about my anime interests, rarely discussing it with many others aside from those I trust. Stepmania was a glimpse into the pure moe and weeby stuff that I admittedly quite enjoy, and being able to see remnants of an older time makes me smile - i'm fond of it. Playing stepmania appeals to my inner weeb, which contrasts how I am as a furry honestly.
Having a game on my new laptop that I can play without too much hassle is always nice too. It's another positive to the many in which I can say, lately. First positive: comic-con in less than two weeks!!! I cant wait hehehehehe! Second positive, and one of the best ones: I'm getting an autism diagnosis via a face to face appointment in around 3 weeks! Ill be heading to a face to face appointment to go through the entire process, hopefully taking my sister with me as a witness to my childhood in the process. And a week after that? A virtual assessment in which I will learn if I'm autistic or not, right there and then. Truthfully, I am...scared, but also super excited, because from February of this year, i've been digging for the answer, and I may be getting it very soon. If I'm confirmed autistic, it puts my mind at ease and helps me contextualise some of my life even more, as well as let me breathe a bit better knowing I know myself more. If i'm not? Then i'll simply reassess myself in what I know about myself and keep trying to improve myself as I would anyway, if I WAS confirmed as such. This is mainly a means to get even more personal peace, ngl, to be able to rest easy. My big sister, the eldest, is confirmed autistic and...given how we are so damn similar, I suspect I definitely am, but you never know. Anything is possible.
Third positive, and, the second most serious to the prior one...i've been undergoing counselling. Actual counselling. The stuff before that I have mentioned, I believe, in passing, was therapy in technicality but more counted as emotional support than anything else. However, these counselling sessions i'm now starting to have are very much the real thing, and the first one went well. The back and forth allowed me to openly discuss things with my counsellor, as well as ultimately remember and realise that...shit, I am still young, I have time to blossom and bloom, and that my efforts currently are worth a lot more than I give credit for. And I do have to agree, in that sense, because counselling and healing is one half of an equation. The help I get is the first half, how I apply it to myself is the second. And both will help me in the end. I think that being able to just discuss so much heavy shit with a legally licensed therapist/counsellor and someone who's just there to listen and learn about me is helpful too, a connection outside of my family. I wonder what else i'll be saying in the next session, which is actually this upcoming tuesday. Being able to be honest about how I feel is nice too.
An overall positive, is that I am thankful for the bonds I have with people. My partners, people in my circle of friends, my sisters, good acquaintances, it truly means everything, and im thankful that I have people who just care about me. Slowly but surely, this empty feeling inside keeps getting combatted by the pure hopium of being alive, and I am all for even more of it.
Being alive is nice~ And that aint stopping anytime soon!