#56 - Realisations of Self - 22/07/2026
I've had a realisation lately. A bit of a silly one from the perspective of others I imagine but, one that feels right. For context, i've been undergoing emotional support sessions, which have turned into actual counselling as of late. The counselling sessions, while intimidating at first due to how unfamiliar the whole process was for me, not to mention the social anxiety of speaking to a stranger, they have ultimately been very helpful. Yesterday was my second of many, and, man, it helped. But it's helping me realise a lot of things.
I feel since emotional support sessions started and then, lately, counselling, that i've been able to process things a lot more clearly - less with this lens of "why the hell did this happen to me" and more with a mentality of "this happened to me, now, I want to move on". I've always been someone who gets on with life, but, it's never been as healthy and productive as it has been lately. I am also someone who always keeps having an objective to undertake. I like having goals, having objectives, projects to tinker with and things to conceptualise. But, it's left me with little time to take my time with life, to just enjoy the slower side of things. Ever since University, since this invisible social standard of pressure has demanded of me to just rush with everything and to produce things to soon deadlines, i've been someone who constantly puts myself to this hard-to-reach standard, perfection. And that's not healthy. You can see it in some of my old blogposts, my disappointment at not being to do certain things. But to be so critical of myself isn't healthy. It is really not healthy. So, i've been taking my time with things. Doesn't mean im content and happy when it comes to how long some things like new videos have been taking, or the remaining commissions from months ago, but, people understand my circumstances and I still provide updates anyway. I guess what im trying to say here is that i've been able to think more clearly. Even being able to look back like this is a sign of healing, I believe.
Emotional Support and especially Counselling has helped me. But this is where my main realisation has come to pass, that...I am my own master. I am the master of my own destiny. What do I mean by this, though? I mean that I know myself and know what I am after in life, that I am no longer operating in the shadow of expecting to follow others, be like others, adhere to their demands. For a long time, I've been quite the doormat. The past two years, longer, had me endure a lot of, quite frankly, crap, from people who had been essentially using me for money or for doing their work for them, of micromanaging their lives while I had to halt my own. Sometimes, it would even be the case where I would get active antagonism from the people who rudely demanded my help, over the fact that I wanted to focus on my own life. Even in moments like the job I had back last summer in 2025, almost immediately, I was expected to share my salary with people who never had the right to touch the results of my hard work. This however, isnt just a money thing though. I've been very much treated like a tool for people within, say, my family, to use. Borrowing money, doing them favours, having leniency and gifting them things, so on and so on. While I do care about them, I've been used quite a bit, like a disposable one.
So now, here, is where it ends.
I've woken up, id say. I no longer fear retribution for denying people from pinching from me on the constant. I've always, and this is something that was cited within my counselling, been a bit of a people pleaser, to appease and please people who honestly dont deserve it to begin with. A formative memory comes to mind - when I was in primary school, somebody decided to stain a carpet with pen ink. When nobody confessed, we were threatened with our break time being taken away entirely. So, I confessed, confessing it was me, even though it never had been. It solved the problem, but created the problem for me in that I have to appease people in order to feel secure. And recognising this issue is important. So, now I've given it up. And it feels good to shed away this responsibility to be responsible for literal, excuse my french, fuckheads, who dont really give much of a damn about me anyway. Even today, I had a torrent of abuse from one such person who went ballistic at me for the apparent crime of not being on their beck and call to answer them, which then was followed up by a lengthy bible verse of paragraphs saying "WHEN I DIE I HOPE YOU FEEEL GUUILLLLTYYYYY!".
Normal behaviour im sure /j
But yeah, no, i've woken up. I am nobody's to control anymore, nobody to adhere to the whims of others - ill still help others within reason, doesnt mean im suddenly switching my empathy off, but if people think that im going to give chunks of thy flesh to them and then get hurt by how they treat me despite that, they can think again. My realisation is that I am so much stronger than I assumed I really ever was, and that such strength is what ill carry on me for the foreseeable future. Here's the thing, too - I didn't realise that through all the shit I have endured, I've created natural structure and defenses for myself. Are they perfect? Hell no, but, I created myself, in a sense, I didn't just follow in the shadow of people I care about. I created my methods, and I feel fucking good about it. And yknow what? It's made me more mature than I ought to be at my age, but it's made me wise resultingly. And realising all of these realisations, I feel like I am becoming my own man. Er, person, perhaps. But fuck man, it feels good.
Like, small thing I suppose, but...i've began to wear bracelets. In the past, I didnt used to. Why? I'm not sure, i've just never had much use for them. Everything required a use, at one point. That aint healthy...so I said "fuck it!", and started to wear em. I have three, so far: I have a light, milky brown bead bracelet gifted to me from my big sister when she visited where I am living at currently just a month or so ago. I have a pink and silver heart and stars bracelet I made with my other sister when I visited her house around a year ago. Recently, I did some volunteering event work, and a bunch of kids who were a part of the event made a ton of trinkets on one of the stalls - wanting to remember the occasion, I decided to buy one of them! I've been wearing them on my right wrist, and...I like this a lot. It feels like im carrying good memories on me and being stylish at the same time, and I want to eventually add more to them. Wonder if I can find one at comic-con in a few days?
All in all, I am becoming stronger. And I have evolved. I will continue to evolve, and I cant wait to do so.
I am my own damn master. And the fuckheads who've been trying to fill my head with bullshit, those who've been using me for long enough?
No more.