#60 - Previous Sunday, Confirmation of Diagnosis, The Path Ahead Now, Costume Assembling!
It has been an interesting time lately.
Very interesting, honestly. A lot has changed for me, and in all sorts of various little ways. To begin with, I find that fantastic, because progression is the best way forward. I've been having an honest to god blast when it comes to living, and I can say that I am happy. A lot has happened. So, where shall we begin?
A recent visit from one of my older sisters - last sunday, she came up to visit as it was her birthday and both myself and my dad were more than happy to have her up here for the day. Honestly, seeing her again was really comforting, because it had been a while and generally, seeing one of my siblings who I can honestly say I trust with my life is always a good time. My big sister (I have two, big sis is my second one) surprised me however...with a sudden trip to the cinemas to see the new spiderman movie, spiderman: brand new day. I was legit shocked, and, in just a few hours later after a brief intermission in leaving from her, she and her partner picked me up in her partner's car, and we made our way down. Honest to god, the movie and the whole experience was blood fantastic! I'd been told that this movie redeems MCU Peter Parker a lot and yknow what, that's absolutely true, the movie is an even better origin story for him than the actual start of the MCU spiderman movies imo. Story, choreography, soundtrack, the visuals are bloody stellar too! Certain twists actually had me gobsmacked, i did NOT expect some of that stuff, I really didnt. Im not the biggest marvel fan or like, superheroes overall, but I find these stories engaging and I've always been quite the fan of stuff like the raimi films or the amazing spiderman movies. Hell, venom as well. But yeah! Damn good time - we went out to get KFC after, at the late hours of the night. Stockport at night when there's nobody else around is really peaceful, and the scenery itself of the empty parking lots, the streets, the mall, it's a kind of atmosphere that I really enjoy. So, after eating, I got a lift back from my big sis and her partner, and the day concluded with a small lil vrchat session with my lovelies <3
It, at the time, felt like a fitting end to my pre-autism diagnosis days. I WAS meant for the last two ASD appointments, the ones on video, on the monday right after. Except, they phoned me up on the morning of the day to postpone it to friday and monday. So, begrudgingly, and after a bit of a rough mental health day, I accepted that i'd be waiting a few more days. So I did. And on the friday of that week, after a few long days, my 5th counselling session, inquiries about the fursuit making process, on friday I had appointment number one. It went well! I had been, frankly, told before this that they were unsure when I'd have the last appointment, but I was given the choice to have my feedback session on 6pm of the same day, or the monday upcoming. So, I chose 6pm.
Waiting was...a lot. I mean, the final few hours of the days of not knowing the answer to something like this, and then in just a few hours, getting the answer. I spent a lot of it just watching House M.D uploads on it's official youtube channel haha. But, the time came, and...
Based on the information provided to them and what I had supplanted them with before any of the appointments started, info within the appointment in person, and the one just hours before...they diagnosed me as being autistic. I am autistic. Apparently, I strongly met the criteria, and Ill be getting the written report about it as a form of legal evidence that I AM AUTISTIC, in the next few days. Truthfully, I'll be having a follow-up appointment in 6 weeks time, but...knowing now, I feel this sense of...peace. Im happy, surprised, even ambivalent. Said to a few people that I generally wish that my parents could have been bothered to get me tested early, but, frankly, mental health was never the concern of two people who didnt think hard enough on the consequences of their actions. So, no wonder why it took so long. Either way, I have the answer now: I, PachiiMochii, am an autistic person. And...im happy, that I've attained this clarity. I am at peace, frankly. I've wanted an answer from professionals for so long. And now I have it. I feel like i'm able to just have context for the past few years, all the quirks to my design that made me such an easy target by people, but also the aspects and quirks that somehow lead to me having a lovely circle of friends (shoutout to nepmiester for interloper recently, dude it was so good!!!!), partners especially (<3). Its nice to feel like maybe, just maybe, the world is a bit more understandable.
So what's the plan from here?
I plan to attend support groups supplied to me through the report that will be provided to me, and finish the last bit of counselling upcoming for this week. Generally having the information in mind so I can find work more tooled to me given im autistic is something ill be doing as well. Utilising the support I've got, and hopefully just...being a bit more understood, is the big thing from here.
See, my lovely two partners, close circle of friends, my sisters, at least one particularly decently supportive parents, having these people be here who can at least understand me and why I operate how I do is nice. The former ones here are certainly more understanding than, say, others, if you know you know, but, even from today and going out, not having to mask is so bloody nice. Do you know how nice it feels to not have to mask my emotions? Because it's bloody refreshing!! I dont have to be an impersonation, a shadow, adapting like a chameleon to social settings. I legit operated how I wanted to today and it felt damn good, let me tell you. And that's my intention from here, to go mask off entirely. Obviously still have social etiquette, still have decency, these things are built into the hardware of my soul, but I won't be putting up with bullshit and ill actively remove myself from it as much as possible. I have endured absolutely enough across these past 25 years, undiagnosed, having to tolerate extreme uncomfortable-ness. I will not sit there and endure it anymore, mark my word.
Now, for something more comfortable!
My costume is coming along...in a sense~ See, here's the thing - I have the tail!!! And I love it AAAAAH! I honestly think its cute as fuck, and I love it dearly!! It's kinda...euphoric actually wearing it. Additionally, i've got a cute skirt and tights, which are so...god, honestly nice on me. I love these! I am not pleased with the ears that came with it however, and while I like the collar, well, ill be saving that for other projects lol. So yeah, bottom half of my outfit is literally sorted. Now I still need the mask, the textures for the mask, a wig, furry ears and paws. Hehe, pawbs even :3
You may have noticed that I havent said mesh. Now, why is that? BECAUSE I FOUND SOME FOR FIFTY PENCE HERE LMAO literally recently, and that saves me so much money. But I can reuse this stuff! I can literally paint with acrylics!! Or at least, I hope I can really. Im probably gonna buy new mesh anyway for the sake of simplicity, also incase there's any problems that arise. But man, I'm getting closer to this assembled thing, and I legit believe I can do it. I know I can. I think the core things are the mask and wig tbh, the ears too, but I know I can alter faux fur with acrylic. Getting closer to that final result...god, I cant wait. I just have to order out the last few things and make sure i can get them before the big date arrives.
All in all, I have so much going on, but I cant wait for that upcoming future, and I am honestly just...happy. And I have clarity now.
Let this be a new start, a new era~
I cannot wait for it. /w \